Sex is everything, everything is sex.

I’m thinking how to begin.. mum, I’m a lesbian. She will choke on her coffee and start laughing, cough and cough and look at me with wtf on her face, now this of all the things. How fucking weird are you? I know this or she will be like aha, and then I will start laughing and it will be all good.., and then she will ask do I have a girlfriend. I would say aha yes, she is ten years older than I am. Another choke. She will ask if I am taking my medication. About sex she would not dare to ask, I think. She would have to sleep on it. And then she’ll go and tell her friends that she has a lesbian daughter. There will be a silence, nobody would not know what to say. Hypothetically of course. Just creating an image in my mind what would happen if, you know. Though I might want to give horror to my mother just for fun. Like Merry Christmas Mother.
It is something that needs to be told to parents and the rest of the family that you are not straight because reproduction concerns family, because this hetero-thing has been in the family for ages. Where did you get this from, a freak. Family is something that is talked about with friends, co-workers, everywhere it is somehow important where you come from. But usually having lived in the same family the secret has been revealed little by little. It is a big issue in life who you love, how you have sex, what kinds of relationships you have, are you normal. I have been trying to understand the importance and part next of kin play in choosing profession, partner, way of living and how much do family decide for you. Question is how much do other people can decide for someone directly and indirectly. It is a guardianship that lasts the rest of one’s life up to a point. It is about self-awareness, obedience, being one’s own person and not someone who other people want you to be, if you can. But other people have quite much demands on you. To fail those demands in many cases means failing as a person. It is a programmed way to behave and think to do as you are asked or commanded to do which heteronormative structure is all about, order, structure, maintaining posture which must be spotless. It is about denial, forbidding odds, swings, mess is what has to be kept hidden. For someone to be gay means all are going to know that there is a freak in the family to which we do not know how to react.


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