Culture of shame rules with humiliation and fear. Too hard to handle.

Girl who learns from early on that there is something wrong and it is with her because there is shame she cannot quite understand why or what but it is like an animal which is her and the ultimate evil and is because of her not knowing quite why. Any other person is above this shame and constant wrongdoing because they are bigger. It is something she did which was being born, her sex which she must be ashamed of, she feels constantly a look which is angry, looks upon her that are looking at nothing, hate in the look, in those looks, contempt and disgust or something to take away, burn and run. Shame which exists only because of her, her sin, her existence, her rottenness is brought by her upon others to be ashamed of and talk about to purify those who speak of her and look at her but don’t see anything but dirt, something to turn backs to. She becomes to feel guilty for what she is completely, that she has caused such horrible thing as she is, her becoming, anything she represents and is, is bad and all wrong, a mistake and accident. She has to hide herself. Best way to do it is to be silent, be as invisible as possible, as quiet as possible afraid that she will be revealed and hated again and again. The only one who does things wrong breaking the silence which cannot be broken because everything and the wall of silence and effort seen would be ruined. You must not cry or be sad, it would break the unspoken, it would tell how all is wrong. To be revealed is the worst thing to happen. To face the ill there is would be too much to take and shameful as is crying. Things that are wrong, emotions that should just be likable not to annoy and reveal anything that might be wrong, she does them things wrong anyway so why try anything but not to push that wall of shame and weeping. She is the wrong, she is the wrong, the out-of-place to be ashamed of who can break and destroy the comfortable silence and not having to face any negative emotions there are. There is nothing wrong with the environment but with her still. Easiness of finding a scapegoat and squeeze her into being as small as possible. All the blame there is is placed on her and she carries it all until it is too much. It is quite a burden to carry and to give, be pushed aside and forgotten until guilt finds you until you cannot hide.