Victim or a survivor and why surviving is hard to talk about? We have culture of strength.

The strangest and scariest as surreal repetitious event has been to witness misogyny done by women and how it kind of belongs to the territory of being female that you are hated, despised, suspected and treated like garbage especially if you are young, pretty, talented and have thoughts that challenge existing views, roles and hierarchies. I still look youngish but have looked young and naive, as like I was born with it, so the weird dilemma of not fitting in is a normalcy. This issue is a difficult to talk about without it sounding asking for empathy and being a victim of bullying which the whole not fitting in and weirdo setting is all about. For a blond, thin and childlike which characteristics to many equal mental disability things on level of how people react to you remain surprisingly unchanged. And I for example have began to see this existing position more a strength than weakness. To be on your side because of your genitals is to understand how gender roles function and are for, be on side of women because they are women and women support men because they are men. Do men support women because they are women and therefore worthy of support or do we support people because to support is a human thing to do? Eh, I don’t know. Maybe people support those who they care for, supporting someone supports also you. Gender works for those who fall into such roles effortlessly and think they are a good thing. It has been obvious solidarity can be nonexistent when safety and balance is threatened. Threat is a curious feeling as is fear. Fear of dramatic change is what keeps traditional roles needed and in part they do have a place. Want to guess why? I kind of have my theory. Have you ever been target of gossip? I call it ill talk because something is very wrong in that situation and the main issue is hurt. I have been talked about all my life in a bad sense. To repeat all could be made into a crystal idea: there is something in this person that pushes buttons instantly. It is about the way one looks like, what one does, how one does it and how one is in the world and how well one fits in. To fit in is a compulsory issue. It is clear for those who do not fit in and do the unexpected word goes on, what is the expected? It is a ritual to live and way of telling is there is something wrong with you and those who talk do not like it. Most of gossip is ill and about this problematic nature of humans where safety acceptability and being similar next to a clone is what does not threaten power and self-worth of tiny minds who are scared. I have found this very hurtful, dehumanising and have become neurotic in the way that I should be very aware if I do not please as I should something bad happens. Most hurtful it is when other women see it their issue to slam other women and leave out the stigmatised.