darling Bud

I know you expect a lot of me and it is clear I do not match those expectations of yours and I don’t know why I should because I expect a lot of myself which is more than what you expect of me because mostly you expect me to fail, meaning to ignore expectations of my own in life and what it could be. Failure is not to try to that is not what I am going to do. It is a common phrase and atmosphere that it is no use trying, you won’t make it anyway. No matter how tiny issue but to go the easiest path is not my thing. I have noticed it is something we are encouraged to do because why do it difficult when you can choose easy. To discourage and give dark prospects is a norm to which I don’t want to get accustomed and refuse to believe in. My expectations for me are to accomplish as much as is possible and more than I even could dare to imagine could be possible for someone from nowhere. So what I expect me to become differs quite a bit from what other people expect because I do a lot of things women don’t normally for some reason do, which I do not understand and for which reason I have felt unfitting oddball. I don’t understand the normal for women and men and why they are so different. People think it is custom and good to expect something, usually bad of someone and we do expect in advance always something to happen but it is unfair to expect me to do things I don’t want to do as it is strange to think you know what I think and want. What I am expected to do and be like has been very strange because I put a high standard for myself which I work to reach. To expect a lot for a woman has meant that she looks and behaves a certain way and if she does not she is no good. Standards placed for women move on a very superficial ground and model for ideal women is made of plastic. Ideal women don’t swear, do dirty work, lift heavy items, fix cars, do technical work which requires machinery etc. Ideal women obviously show how beautiful they are on the outside, how kind and loving inside. So you understand I often struggle with these expectations and it is not only men who expect women to be of certain way. I am not going to be kinder, forgiving, less critical, less vocal about how I see things should be and what kinds of things I see problematic and in need of change. That is how I envision part of a contemporary artist and a feminist going against the stream. Women are expected to be less in every way and I am not going to be. To expect me to be less than I can be is asked quite a lot.