Surviving or living, survivor or victim. A matter of choosing your outlook based on what happens to you, how to stand up for yourself. Learning of a lifetime.

Nyrkillä tapettava is a Finnish phrase for someone who is small and defenceless and can be killed by punching. It is cruelty in a neat package, the whole being of someone is measured and defined by physical appearance and that person is not a threat at all. It is very telling of culture where size matters, use of violence measures your worth, what one can do with size and by threatening behaviour: habitus is to intimidate, minimise and silence.

The strangest and scariest as it is a surreal repetitious event has been to witness misogyny done and realised by women. How misogyny kind of belongs to the territory of being female that you are hated, despised, suspected and treated like garbage as such especially if you are young, pretty, talented, seem lost, in need of help, scared, have thoughts that challenge existing views, roles and hierarchies. I still seem lost because it is my constant feeling and experience among people where I should know how I should be and live self-evidently but I do as I please. I still look youngish but have looked young and naive as like I was born with it which equals to many someone to abuse. So the weird dilemma of not fitting in is the normalcy how it happens, and I don’t seek to fit in because it is a lie to fit in. I should have to pretend. My looks and gender justify ill-treatment.

Question is why so? Someone who looks fragile is to be beaten down because she deserves it and is an easy subject? Maybe you have got another thing coming. Those who choose the so-called easy subjects surely know what it makes of them and what kind of ethical problem it is to think bullying is a sign of strength and power. This is all about competition and here we do not differ from animals. Logic for many is very straightforward and uncomplicated which in a complicated world is not logical. There is more to everything than what the eye can see and you think is true. Question to be asked is who and what do you stand for, why you do what you do, what motivates you. Often it is hate which cannot be admitted to because it would be admitting to being a hater. This issue is a difficult one to talk about without it sounding asking for empathy (empathy is for the weak and for friends) and being a victim of bullying which the whole not fitting in sets, a place for a weirdo is all about, meaning to be marginalised and set outside is more a rule. For a blonde, thin and childlike such as me which characteristics to many equal mental disability it is to learn self-defence, how people react to you remains unsurprisingly unchanged. And I for example have began to see this existing position more of a strength than weakness. People are surprised when I answer back and do not settle for what I am given, why should I. I am arrogant when I think myself as able.

To be on someone’s side because of their genitals is to understand how gender roles function and believe it, and what they are for, roles and genitals. Be on side of women because they are women and women supporting men because they are men. Do men support women because they are women and therefore worthy of support or do we support people because to support is a human thing to do and all need support, especially mental support, caring. Eh, I don’t know. Maybe people support those who they care for, supporting someone supports also you. Gender works for those who fall into such roles effortlessly and think they are a good thing. It has been obvious solidarity can be nonexistent when safety and balance is threatened. Something new appears. Threat is a curious feeling as is fear. Fear of dramatic change is what keeps traditional roles needed and in part they do have a place.

I kind of have a theory. Have you ever been target of gossip? I call it ill talk because something is very wrong in that situation. I have been talked about all my life in a bad sense. To repeat all could be made into a crystal idea: there is something in this person that pushes buttons instantly, is out of ordinary. It is about the way one looks, what one does, how one does it and how one is in a world and how well one fits in. Why  the fitting in is important, so much so that it is compulsive and neurotic? It is a ritual and way of telling there is always something wrong with you and those who talk do not like you until you are crushed or do as they want you to do. Most of gossip is ill and about this problematic nature of humans where safety, acceptability and being similar next to a clone is what does not threaten power and self-worth of tiny minds. This hurtful way of communicating has its plus sides. I have become very good at reading lips, noticing body language, guessing facial expressions and how certain people think. There are no surprises there. Most hurtful it is when women see it their issue to slam other women to leave someone out and stigmatised. Means of finding who mean something and finding one’s place when it is not to be found. My fault? Strangely I am accused. And we are so surprised that she answers and questions us, something that is seen solid and good. Your good is not mine and enough by far because I place my bar high.

To challenge the brain, do schools do that enough?

It can feel like a nuisance, it is hard work, it requires focus and questioning, endless questioning and especially challenging the society. Society that does not want to be challenged is the one that has to be put against the wall. I am puzzled how easily information that is incorrect passes as correct and people think they know someone.. To hear a rumor about someone does not mean you know anything about the person rumor is about, but it tells something about the people who pass the rumor on. Never forget. Better choose your friends more carefully.

To challenge the brain is our duty. It is truly strange to know how little faith people have for the brain, how little respect this organ actually gets. When we are what we think, how does it show on the outside? Schools just doing their jobs (mere existence is not it, nor is the power status or delivering diplomas) without interest for students as individuals thinking little of students means not to pay attention to the constant development of education and people as persons, and what needs to be taught. Is it what society thinks need to be taught, what is trending at the moment like making apps and how do we make a fortune? Most important seems to be who we know. It is a high credit. (Does not have much to do with credit but something quite different.)

Lack of interest is the worst crime an educator can do as is contempt towards students. You know how contempt shows? When teachers become too comfortable and full of themselves at that high valuable position which means power, what kind of power do they have is quite interesting. For those who study much as myself importance of high quality teaching is vital and poor quality is seen more often than should be allowed. Undervaluing happens too easily and it is intolerable as it is a continuous nonstop happening. When evidence of capabilities is not good enough why present any. When hearsay is more trustworthy than knowing the facts it is simply wrong and out of the question when we have to know the truth about things. When university does this one can ask where is the university, what university. The kind of teacher I have met at art schools is the one who does it for the money and when student knows more than the teacher studying is useless, don’t you think. You have contempt for your students: fuck off. You have contempt for new ways of expressing, thinking and doing you are in the wrong place. When you repeat same kind of methods from year out year in do you really believe in what you do? For quality of teaching which we all of course desperately want because it is so scarce teachers also need to do their homework. Are teachers worth the money they are paid, worth the time to go to the course where teacher is not interested in what students know already. You don’t know what your students know and can do you should ask them.

HD and the ability of seeing

What do we see?
Do we not see? We do not see enough. Did you see that? Can you tell me what did you see.
What is it we do not see? We fail to see? Is there too much to see? Could you see my point of view? Could you understand how I see? I am not sure if I see as you do. Why do you see as you do? What affects your ability of seeing? How much technology helps us to see better? Does it merely frame and distract and make things look better than they are?
How seeing and thinking are connected? In a way we appreciate and value the things we are surrounded by and look at or don’t. We toss things aside so we don’t see them anymore, but they do not seize to exist even though we push them aside. What do we praise as beautiful? Advertising, moving images, fashion, cars and how these things expand or lives and experiencing it?
Visual world is much the one we make. Something is lost. I am constantly bothered by it and the question why we make as we do. What do we want to see and what is considered valuable visually, visual content, visual material, visual us. How value is measured, with money or peace of mind tranquility which follows experiencing beautiful environment? Because all people do not have beautiful environmental experience daily, it seems they are not worth it and they cannot afford it. More and more environment has to be granted like a gift not as a human right.