It is long way to me. It is a long way to yourself. You can go round and round on and on, all the way to the other side of the globe and think you have found something worthwhile since you had the money and time and will and effort and interest and guts to go and explore as far as possible.
I cannot close my eyes, I have to look every detail. Every already seen thing again and again. Every many times seen moved unmoved untouched left explained broken bulged split idea that I got excited about and I remember why. Staying still, staying put, staying here where I am for a long period of time, not moving. Staying, staying. Where is this trip going, where am I going? What is this, is it a trip? They call it a trip.
What comes out of not knowing that the child is yours? It is a child of your own, smell of divinity, smell of liberty, smell of you, smell of the unknown. What comes out of this tiniest thing that is insignificant to you? That is from you like tears and sweat, shit and piss, vomit and anger. Way away pathetic insignificant, fluency of religion, surface of face, façade of a tower, decency of staying out of the edges, staying away from what you do not understand, do not want to understand. Edges of wanting, edges of not wanting.
Holding breath. Inhaling as deeply as I can. Holding breath. Exhaling through my nose as I think how I breathe. As I think I know how to breath and where breath goes what does it do, what is in breath. The quantity of air near me, the quality of air pulled and pushed moved circulated, fresh used in air that I must have in me and it is not just Oxygen but Carbon dioxide, Nitrogen, Argan, water, Neon, Methane plus pollution. I don’t know. Have to know the technique of breathing but can I develop better at breathing and can I think what it is to pull it in my lungs, in my cells, in my blood, the air. How the what I have been breathing becomes me, how it can be measured and calculated and what it can tell about me as an organism, an individual and human? How many times I breath when I do not think about it? How long can I hold my breath? How long can I run without losing breath? Things that breathe as people and animals having breath. Breath entails, it hides. Breath that smells, breath that has speed, reveals us, keeps us living as parts of this world, breathing particles of the atmosphere, vapor of breath in cold weather, heavy breath. I have to puffer and blow to make a visible steamy mark in the air, something I like doing.
The world is under breath, we are under breath, us breathing, under a breathing monster with big vicious looking mouth that we fear, many monsters with mouths channeling air and lungs breathing the same gas. To end up in a mouth of a monster is like being connected and disconnected repeatedly. The contradiction as we think of the hugeness of a monster when it is in the little particles in the air. The thought that there is a monster, where is it and what is it like?
There is no danger, no hurry in breathing, there is this relaxed moment of having unconscious moment of lungs, me, observing my body doing its thing, keeping me alive, realizing its nature, my nature. The many times I breathe per minute and how short a time it is that I lose my consciousness if I cannot have a breath.