To know the world through unheld desire

Butterfly collection, watercolor on paper, 2022

To know the world through unheld desire

It is to forget wisdom and finding it. Yes, there are mistakes, the unthinkable. There is mess, the intolerable. There are undesirable things that appear to you and you won’t like them. They drive you nervously out of balance. Things that are found under that shouldn’t be there, something should be solved, but not the things that can be forgotten or leave unsorted or get over with the easy stuff first. There isn’t a time without something to be solved, mostly it is you, it is always you. One thing is the cover suit that protects you from infection, it is for your own good and courtesy to other people. They will know your task. It is to avoid from getting dirty, from harm, from others, from touching, from contact, that fear that suspicion, skin and cells, hair and smell. To be protected from contact, wear a mask not to be seen, not to inhale the unseen, unpreventable still, unpredictable deadly disease that spreads via secretion and breath. Afraid of the deadly virus and there is no cure. It is precaution, it is to be sure in isolation. Desire in the world of neurosis gets shrunk. It is death. All is covered by death. The want and the need to live, smell of death and you have to breathe it in order to solve it, to have the wisdom to know the world, to have time to know the world. To pass on wisdom of the world, to keep on living, to reflect the world outside of me, world which affects me, shapes me and is me, is in me. To fall apart inside a suit that I put on to protect me.

Poetry collection 2015-

Art of self-portrait has evolved into not examining and studying oneself, but skin and looks are the most interesting things about anyone. It is to judge quickly. A sea of selfies also telling what you look like by the pool in repeat. Oh look, she still by the pool, looks quite youthful. Nice ass. You should look your age I have heard. Really? What is that by the pool?

What’s my age? Well, it is Rock your little heart out and I wanna be a rock’n’roll singer, I heard it pays well. Years and years without a filter, I thought you liked the natural look. Ok, let’s move on. By the pool you age quickly, just so you know.

2015
1998 self-portrait on film.

Depicting oneself, not just how one looks like but bringing one’s personality into a picture, has been one important branch in Fine Art. Don’t know is it about facial expressions like smiling and looking happy and fit, showing the best side I mean that much, but they do have a part, what sides anyone wants others to see and how one sees oneself. An important topic of image of human, you and me before photography and still today the slowness of the process of painting and drawing demands focus, thought, intellect and studying, skill of some sort and desire to do it, look at yourself with all you have got. There still are topics worthy of a picture and those topics that get sidelined. It takes time and an idea of you to frame you. To have an idea of oneself and imagine it further, maybe a little lie, taking time to look at oneself without judging or maybe the most interesting part is what gets judged and should be eliminated. ‘Flaws’ are possible the most interesting part of you, eliminating them, you eliminate something out of you. It is a process which leads to progress and a good starting point of beginning in art, like who are you, what do you focus on in yourself and in the world, what do you want with this picture. Does it matter what others want to see? What is seeing and perceiving, how do we feel when we are looked at?

Selfies seem to tell where you are instead of who you are and tell where you are headed, which is the stars of course, the celebrity, fame to be looked at and gaining wealth. Being rich is what is desired and selfies often want to tell. What fame accomplishes is a sea of images, a very flat world nowadays. What kind of a phone do you have, what are you wearing, how are you feeling, what is your politics and what kind of a mark do you want to leave in the world, how smooth your skin is, what products do you use, something very commercial and sellable, but does tell of you, I suppose. It is like you are for sale and any mistake is monitored and as a result you are either approved or discarded or whatever, making money or not is the valuable to know in what you do, but you want to be accepted as you are with filters and ideals that Instagram shows. Authenticity being a lie is an interesting way to the natural which we all appreciate. Swiping images of faces, what is it? What is this digital mush? Not buying, are you selling, what are you selling? How many beauty products do we need to be happy?

Promoting yourself the most, not examining who you are, constantly, so don’t make a mistake even though those can be the most interesting thing you ever did. How careful do we have to be with images as they are the manufactured good? It is strange in the times of therapy and healing that we are products to be sold or discarded, mocked and used. Messaging what you stand for and that is who you are and have been since the election of Trump, because Trump is bad and you are good. The right side or the wrong one, but as always image is to create you, real or not, a show of you. Do you create the image as is the assumption or is it made for you like a ready-made, an easy enough plan to follow? There are lots of fears concerning the self-image, how people perceive you and do they accept you. Do you accept you and why are you your image? Are you your authentic self as is the desire and need? What does authenticity even mean anymore when opinions are the most dangerous thing? Even makeup is to look natural made artificially, point is to cover any sign of aging, fat or whatever thing people like to stare at.

The viewer might try to find you, but considering how images are modified, reshaped, tuned, controlled, seeing the human is getting more difficult. Just make a statement. It is like we don’t want to be seen, even though your face and body are there, there is a layer or many layers on you. The topic is to look good and sexy on a stream nonstop, sexy by the pool in your bikinis posing. You are pressured to look a certain way and you are corrected to look ‘better’. Social pressure has always been there and still today those who do not conform are odd. Which non-conforming is accepted today, I wonder. I don’t see it. Non-conforming is to go against the grain per se and clearly many don’t like it. I thought that was a good thing. People are surprised when someone doesn’t do as pressured. I am the weak one, right? Today in all freedom and unity women pressure other women to be the image pointing out every flaw in you. I do enjoy my natural state, unmodified and I have no intention joining this mass movement of dullness and looking like celebrities, I mean famous people, enjoying leisure, you do all look the same. That is the ideal, beauty in leisure and it is work. If you make money, it must be work. If it pays well, it is valuable and worth everybody’s time.

So, back to self-portrait, you look at yourself in the mirror or like I first started without it and painted an imaginary picture of myself which I had kept to myself till I painted it. How you picture yourself without seeing yourself physically is an interesting mind exercise of what you think of yourself and how new a picture of you can get, not to mention are you capable of doing it, are you able to hold a pen and start. In a world where others like to define you, tell who you are and should be like and should look like, it is more than a welcome way of practicing learning to know yourself, learning to look at, seeing, being yourself in a hostile environment where people bring chaos into your life just because they can, trying to be unique (whatever that is) and just learning an art technique to move forward. Image today is a proof of you existing and living digitally online and the online is fast moving to change the reality and us into images with few dimensions. Billions of people having phones in their hands standing next to a cliff, say hello to the world. Self-portrait is telling perhaps there is more to you than a snapshot. Selfie is telling how well do you imitate someone else? The Barbi doll is someone to go for in real life for some reason I do not know. The Barbi doll is a mystery even though it is plain obvious living dead. Her body is controlled, fit hourglass and all she does is maybe walk the beach to be seen. Time taken to think about what you are doing other than a product of yourself is also important in finding something humaine and personal or are you erasing the personal, other than you are here and this is how beautiful I look like, like me, want me etc. Beauty being the manufactured kind, that can be rebuilt by surgery over and over again. There is no limit as there are doctors who will do it. Thinking about what is changing in perceiving a person and oneself and do we see every picture as art-like, you as the artwork and everyone is an artist and what does it mean eventually for art, artists and is it even interesting. Maybe art is vanishing as it has been? Art is valuable clearly when it makes money. How the visuals we produce are changing and how much technology dictates the images we make? There is quite much control for good and bad images flattering being one huge reason to do pictures, curating oneself is to be a professional, like poor lighting, unthought background, unfortunate line when drawing, smell of decay and shit etc? The control aspect is what strikes as abuse of power and ‘perfecting’ everything not understanding what is good. A good image of you?

2022

Poikia ja miehiä, mitä muotokuva kertoo ajasta vai kertooko se tekijästä?

Portrait

Drawing portraits of online images of boys and men, 2015-

Todellisuudesta on vaikea kirjoittaa, mistä todellisuus koostuu, kenen todellisuudesta puhumme ja kuinka hyvin osaamme arvioida toisen todellisuutta ja kokemusta, kun omakin todellisuus saattaa hahmottua kovin kummallisesti. Todellisuuden hahmottaminen on ollut vaikeaa ennen ja muuntuu yhä vaikeammaksi, mitä enemmän elämme visuaalisen ja virtuaalisen kautta ja etenkin muokatun visuaalisen, jonka oletetaan muuntuvan todelliseksi eli lihaksi. Muokkaamme kuvaamme ja lihaamme keinotekoisesti, täydellistäen itsemme kuvaksi, joka haluamme olla tai paremminkin jolta haluamme näyttää. Mitä kukakin ihmisenä on, on muutoksen tasolla haasteellisempaa ja muutos tapahtuu edelleen kriisien ja aktiivisen ajattelun kautta, loppuunpalaminen, sairastuminen yms. radikaali muutos elämässä aiheuttaa keskittymistä itseen.

Puhutaan jokaisen eletystä kokemuksesta eli lived experience, mikä jokaisen pitäisi päästä ääneen kertomaan ja olen ihmetellyt, että miksi. Tuleeko meille parempi tietoisuus maailman kärsimyksestä? Suurin syy tarpeeseen jakaa, lienee juuri kyvyttömyydessämme tietää ja tuntea toisen kokemuksesta ja elämästä juuri mitään ja toisaalta monella on loputon tarve avautua juuri itsestään, mistä reality-tv:n suosio kertoo. Reality jostain syystä ei olekaan todellisuus, todellinen asioiden ja ihmisten tila kuvattuna, vaan valmiiksi kirjoitettu ja esitetty. Ihmiset pitävät esityksistä joissa esitetään aitoa, mutta ei olla aitoja, mitä sekin sitten tarkoittaa. Aitous mitataan tunteissa ja että tunteista puhutaan ja niitä näytetään. Oletukset luovat todellisuuskuvaamme hyvin paljon ja mitä ajattelemme kenestäkin, mikä luo itsessään todellisuutta. Oletamme jonkun olevan sellainen ja sellainen ja pidämme oletuksiamme tosina, kunnes toisin on. Tosin, on ilmeisen mahdotonta joskus uskoa silmiään, ilmeisesti, eli ei voi olla totta, vaikka kuinka todistelisi, tosin epäily on tervettä näinä aikoina. Haluamme uskoa olevamme oikeassa ja oma todellisuutemme on aito ja paras. Se voi silti olla kopioitu eli todellisuutesi on luotu jonkun kuvasta. Todellisuuksien paremmuudesta käymme kamppailua ja että jokaisella on oikeus omaan todellisuuteensa, oli se millainen tahansa. Siinä menee raja itselläni, että minun on uskottava jonkun toisen henkilökohtainen kuvitelma todeksi tai mukauduttava siinä määrin, että joudun kadottamaan itseni ollakseni hyväksytty? Mikä on totta ja mikä on kuvitelmaa, on edelleen tärkeää erottaa, aivan kuten, mikä on hyvää ja huonoa, oikein ja väärin.

On olemassa vääränlaista vapautta ja sen huomaa lasten kasvatuksessa. Ilman rajoja ihminen on hukassa. Tarvitsemme sääntöjä ja tietoisuuden, miten toimia ja kaikki ei käy. Lapsista sellaista on luonnollisesti vaikea ymmärtää, että aikuinen asettaa rajat, mutta kasvatuksen myötä lapsi oppii, mitä saa tehdä ja mitä ei. Rajojen kokeilu on taiteessa jo selviö, se ei tosin tarkoita, että taiteessa oltaisiin suvaitsevaisia tai rajoja todella rikottaisiin. Ulkona on pelottavaa… Taiteen todellisuutta on kuvitella olevansa vasemmalla, sitä käytännössä olematta. Vasemmistolaisuus kun on tekoja, aivan kuten feminismi eli hyvien ajatusten olisi konkretisoiduttava, mieluiten rakenteiden tasolla, jotta saavutettaisiin haluttu muutos. Kuvitella parantavansa maailmaa valkoisessa kuutiossa on mielestäni edelleen puheen tasolle jäävää hyväntekijyyttä, jolla ei reaalimaailmassa juuri mitään muuteta eikä paljon muuta tehdä kuin patsastellaan ja esiinnytään. Poseeraus on kivaa. Taide ja reaalimaailma ovat kovin irti toisistaan, mikä saa pohtimaan todellisuuksien eroja ja vaikutuksia toisiinsa ja onko vaikutuksia ylipäätänsä. Mitä monumentti tekee maailmassa, varsinkin jos se on esteettisesti kammottava? Miten marginaalista vaikutetaan yleisellä tasolla vai onko kyseessä yksilötason vaikuttaminen ja henkilökohtainen prosessi, jonka taide voi saada aikaan? Kovin hitaalta vaikuttaa ja ilmastonmuutostietoisuuteen vaikuttaminen on turismivetoiselta taiteelta erikoinen poseerauksen kohde ja kommentoitava, kommentointiahan taiteessa harrastetaan ja ainahan saa yrittää. Ehkä keskiluokka saa aikaan lämpenemisen pysähtymisen. Käytän itse termiä leikkitodellisuus taiteen ja nykyään monen muun asian osalta. Todellisuus on usein paljon raadollisempi ja asiat huonommin kuin haluamme uskoa. Mutta, jos elää leikkitodellisuuden todeksi, muuntautuuko se todeksi? Leikkitodellisuuden voi elää, siitä vaan. Taiteen suhteen monella on vaatimus, että nähty täytyy osata kopioida tarkasti, mikä on todiste osaamisesta. Tämä on se vanha ja osin hyvä tapa ajatella, kuinka kauneutta ja kuvaa todellisuudesta luodaan. Milloin teos muuttuu taiteeksi on seuraava askel ja jos valokuvalla voimme luoda tarkan kopion nähdystä, miksi piirustuksen ja maalauksen pitäisi tehdä samaa? Näkökyky on aisteistamme kenties tärkein. Maailman hahmottaminen kädessä olevalla kynällä on kiinnostava koe, kuinka aivot oppivat ohjaamaan kättä, kuinka nähty jäljentyy paperille. Lopulta voi arvioida, onko jotakin oikein vai väärin kuvassa ja miksi joku on väärin. Kuinka täydellistä taiteen on oltava, mikä on täydellinen mikäkin tai kuinka täydellinen määritellään? Siihen ei kai ole mitään lisättävää.

Military portraits with oil pastel on small paper, 20157 To live is to fear.

To live is to fear

I’m going to learn to sleep sitting down at stations, wake up when someone approaches, touches, breathes, looks towards me. Sleep in a flight, work in the night under a newspaper. I will not be afraid. I will be a document of strength, of survival. Sleeping and waking up, walking and looking, sleeping under a tree, passersby gaze, maybe fear. Becoming the environment, giving up my comfortable bed, my isolated room, safety, quiet space for only me. Exposing myself to danger, disorder and death, but also harmony, beauty and life. There is a lot to live for, lot to see and experience, but is that to be experienced?

Let’s talk more my Bunny.

pencil on paper, 2015

Let’s talk more my bunny!
March 6, 2013

Hello! My name is Tanya.  I am lonely Russian woman from Ulyanovsk. I hope you will interested in my letter or in my structure in agency. I have decided to write to you really liked to me. Some more about me…. I am 25, I have finished medical university in our city and now I work as the children’s doctor. My free time I spend on a hippodrome, as I 7 years am engaged in equestrian sport. I think more about my appearance will tell you my photos. If you want to learn more about me you may write me to Zvyereva68@yandex.ru Also if you want to ask me some questoins (if interested in me), please write me and I promise answer you and also I will send you more of my photos. Bye for now.

I hope it’s letter will not without your reply. ?  

(SUCK THE BONES.)

When is revolution, Irrational right and wrong, essays and poems, 2014

The problem and issue about skin. What is race and what do I think about it.

Kids, pencil on paper, 2015

There is a problem and it is about skin. It is about those features that are called racial. The ones that divide us in some ways very artificially and mostly naturally make a visual difference we pay attention to. We make our judgment via eyesight and learn how we should look and what looking like something means. We notice our differences in appearance immediately, but why we do not take difference for granted as a gift but a threat. It is the one thing we pay attention to, we understand to be born with difference is what we are, but to accept difference as worthy in reality is challenging. Children do not discriminate in the ways adults do. They learn to discriminate and bully and create value systems.

Skin has been an interest of mine ever since I started studying art. It is the one thing that is very hard to depict and picture regardless of skin color. My sculpting teacher was determinate to teach portraiture and it was the one most important thing after posture how skin appeals (appears on a work of art) and comes to life in sculpting, and hair, the other matter. It is interesting when you use clay, stone, plaster, wood or whatever material to make it look alive and interesting to the eye. Is it a question of symmetry and asymmetry, harmony and disharmony how we see or what we want to see, because disharmony and chaos for eyes is what we reject, but is constant before us. To blend in is safe (Zebras prove this), but do I want to blend in as an artist? Is that what artist should do?

On the matter of race, I trust science, which has not been able to find evidence of its existence, so I speak of peoples and ethnicities. I also keep race and religion separate and all religions must be critiqued. Religious feelings aren’t something to protect. In art there also is confusion about race and that white people don’t face racism. I find it disturbing and not understanding where race theories come from and have been all about, which black and white against each other tell and black victimhood as a constant narrative: slavery is all humankind concerning issue still today. Skin color is signifying difference, but race theories do stretch much further. Your black skin doesn’t justify racism against white people and I don’t have to think anything of skin, on basis of skin and current discussions have made me notice skin color and actively think of different groups of people via their supposed victim status. Stereotypes of ethnicities do live on despite the color of skin and they have a strong racist undertone. For an artist color is a very basic tool, what colors mean and do in the world other than sell things.

Slap, 2013 (white saviour feeling quilty?)

What comes to stalking and bullying, won’t be changing my opinions. White working class background probably has impacted my worldview. I don’t despise work, poverty nor judge by appearance, looking from grassroot up is eye-opening and the class aspect in art is strong. Biases against working class in art do play a role which doesn’t make the art world look good. Just saying..