How to be

A constant puzzlement for me have been the expectations and rules that are set for us to maintain something that is restricting and a ban on difference. Prohibiting, monitoring, policing, minimising and keeping us from evolving as humans to our full potential is something that must be followed without any fact-based reasoning, without questioning because those who question spoil the fun. There are people who know better what is good.

Suspicion and blame, a constant negative outlook on who and what somebody is and can be, what one can become. That something being a life which is made for us to live on idea level, not us making our lives as we wish life to be. Since we must belong to be obedient and hide is or would be sufficient method to survive. Anyone who pursues a groundbreaking change to something that is seen as normal, is a threat. Threat of violence is a simple way to keep fear alive. Normal is the conspicuous consumption, gendered professional life, gendered looks, gendered everything, living for fun and to possess and think that is something personal and unique, something we choose to do, not because we must. Partly we do choose and think we are free, partly we must consume and be part of a culture, a monoculture which keeps a tight leash. Despite our yearning for unique experiences, stubborn idea of owning our destiny, our amusement and life choices, being in control and doing things in our own terms, we are quite a herd of single direction, followers. Independent thinking and going upstream is demanding, often asking too much because there is much to lose. How much are we willing to sacrifice for common good?
When we lose our independence and ability to decide for ourselves, possibilities to impact on how decisions are made, who makes them, how we are monitored and dictated or are we watched at all, without understanding how complex whirl of invisible factors and manipulating part takers there are, who takes advantage of how the world of ours works, what happens and why, we are lost. Many choose not to know or care. It is easier. Things we are sold are to make our lives easier. Mountains of plastic and electronic waste are not results of an easy process. It is only turning of backs to the problems and complexity.
Question is how to be and live in such a devious atmosphere where fun is hurtful without taken much notice, and many choices we make are taken for granted as they can be taken just like that, very easily, and are possibly the wrong ones. The right thing to do is to say no, refuse. Wrong happens somewhere we do not see, it does not concern us, we cannot imagine it because it is not us to whom the wrong happens. What is wrong then? It takes an empathetic mind to see how one’s actions inflict and affect.

Penalty of forever you will be branded.

Woman sexually is a target. She is a target as a mind and size of small that must be taught into fitting ideological mold, bound and told what to do. Bad women do not do what they are told to do, which also becomes a silent mode of knowing what is expected of you, so to do what is unexpected is always a victory. When woman is sexually active and shows this in public she is a beast, a whore, stupid enough to do otherwise than what is expected of her and an out of control freak mostly who is seen in negative light and must be punished. Penalty is shame and leaving outside the group of those who keep themselves within comprehensive and civil boundaries which are set to females. It is no wonder outspoken and loud woman is seen arrogant and rude. Dressing provocatively is always a sign of certain kind of looseness, bad taste and wildness that is not permitted behavior for proper women who obey rules. Those rules which are for women are to maintain order and follow religious mentalities, know religious penalties, divisions and fears. What happens to a woman who is disobedient, goes where she should not and does what she pleases following rules of her own mind disrespecting traditional place of woman, normative behavioral rules and regulations of what is good to do and what is not. Good is keeping the society unchanged.

Man is manly when he fucks around, woman is doomed. Man is doing his manly fun, woman is doing out of stupidity and irrationality, out of sheer irresponsibility and ignorance, coldness and because women are not to be trusted. And because she is diminished into carer of man understanding his flimsy ways, still he is not weak, she is. He has got back up which is the whole of manhood and men who do what they urge to do and are allowed. It is no wonder women are weaker in this context of violence and minimizing. They have a heavy burden to carry and wall of prohibitions in front. They are not to lift heavy weights but they do so without anyone noticing the burden lifted weighs a ton or two. One burden is a burden of history and tradition which loads have not moved that much even though we like to think we have made progress. It is difficult for many to look at their genitals or say their correct names out loud. When asked whether women can say vagina and think it is perfectly normal without shame result is many find it awkward. Yes why on earth say vagina aloud in this overly sexualized world. We don’t say it we go around it. Still sex is the most talked about topic, topic that raises scandals, emotions, storms because of daring to address the issue or doing something that breaks the rules of obedient society where nothing much changes other than the gadgets.

To hear puzzling comment how can someone do art about menstruation and hang the picture on her living room wall is still a comment of this day. We think this issue is somehow settled, women bleed and it is normal part of their physiological and anatomical activity. Women and girls do menstruate monthly and in many countries it is a shameful dirty happening not beautiful or normally acceptable. I was ashamed of menstruating when I was in my teens. It was intolerable and difficult to understand why my body without my consent wanted to do voluntary bleeding from my vagina and that place felt dirty, unspeakable, it hurt like hell for couple of days and my whole body felt achy for nothing. It was like my body bullied me into being something else than what I was used to and comfortable being, boyish. The transformation into woman was something I found difficult to accept because the whole process was agony, scary, out of control and I didn’t see any point of it happening. It happened without my permission showing my insides as I felt turning inside out. To choose to be of one gender and sex would have been an ideal, I thought, because being a woman seemed an endless list of sexualized patterns, rules and ways I didn’t want any part of. To be a woman was to be under authority and rule which seemed and still is tyranny.

To do what is expected of me has shown to be impossible. Expectations are minimizing and denying and prohibiting me to find out what I can do and be. This is not anybody else’s decision but mine. I do what I find satisfying and my goals are set by me.