Sketching a hunt

pencil and oil pastel on paper, 2019-2022

Sounds of Africa

You hear insects all the time everywhere. You are scared of insects. They are violent in their multitude. Their amount is unexpectable, unknown small horror that creeps. Their force is their poison and need to go under your skin. To eat you to consume you and move on to the next body.

Africa is scary. It is enormous and endless and dark. Endless in its blackness, noise, violence, liveliness and uniqueness but we like to see it as one block, because we must understand within our rational frame all, even the things which don’t fit the frame in any way. We need to force all into our frame to comprehend and control and use. All that we can’t control, what can we do with it?

Ethnic sounds, drums, stomping, whipping, singing. Animal sounds: roaring. Human sounds: shooting. Nature’s sounds: the wind, eruptions, the grass, the rain.

Cacophony distilled normal, a harmony, a naming. Making order, giving advice, giving comprehension and guidance, harmony like for a choir with a conductor. Do not make a mistake. You will be punished. Who are the people who punish? Who are the people who are punished?

Coffee cantata, tsinasil signifies the sounds of whipping of Jesus. Wondrous voices made with instruments invented. Giselle is losing her mind. Think that sound.

Year 2008, The kind of darkness we are capable of the year 2022.

2008

TO THINK, MEN CAN HAVE VAGINAS, IF THEY SO DESIRE AND THEY CAN CALL THEMSELVES WOMEN, IS THE NEW REALITY 2022. What does it mean for humans to surgically change one’s body? There is no depth to it, how far people will go in search for personal happiness, still everything is on the surface. Change there is, is puzzling and what changes. Outer shell telling who one is always and therefore is easy to play with and think it is you. Outer represents you. Assumptions and quick judgments are in use in everyday life to put people in boxes and supposedly easy to understand. Looks is the one thing people pay attention to completely. To be a self-defined whoever you want to be, is a quite new thing. What do you want to be and what people should do in general is the complex issue at hand. Where there are no limits sounds destructive in the end, as people not knowing their limits is. It is exploration surely, because we do not know the end result and is it happiness that’s there to be found? Times of the metamorphosis, supposedly, and still the world is getting less diverse culturally. People don’t generate their own but a copy.

To think men can have vaginas, which surgery is painful and dangerous. Men can also impregnate men who are/were women. A man can impregnate a woman who is a man. Man can have a uterus, breasts, periods, mood swings, emotions, as we all are governed by our hormones, and need to share our emotions and thoughts is constant and emotions burst online. Feminine men have always existed, not a new thing, controversial still as ever. Timid and feminine is when you are a woman is the joke wearing a dress. What are other feminine things then? They are the obvious and the more ultra, the better. Make a show of yourself and make money, the bigger the better. When one is feminine, it is a voilà, you are a whore pretty easily, but if that is what you want, go right ahead. Whoring makes the bucks nowadays. The feminine intimidates and instigates, looks is what people see in anybody and you are your looks. You are graded as a number. It has taken me to this day really comprehend this, how important looks is to people. To imitate women doesn’t make a woman, nothing is invented, but added there and taken to extreme even for women themselves. To be a woman is constant awareness if it. And now women imitate drag? Drag has imitated women so far. Gender is a role and to be predictable, sex being the centre interest, what anybody has to offer. What is this binary that is supposedly diverse? What anybody wants is easy to guess, it is in the look. How to get what you want, is the difficult thing. To want is all.

Women can have penises built and they become men just like that. It is a feeling one listens to. This is the feeling. Sex is in the hormones, hair and the dong. What is inside the head then where hormones also work? What goes on in there in the middle of this control? Need to be and look powerful perhaps, strong pillar of society, look rough and manly, big, which is difficult for women as we are usually smaller. Is it all about power and control?

Women are intellectually as capable as men and are emotionally more open than men. Intelligence is not sex related but an inherited trait, but since intelligence is quite lost anyways, let’s go with feelings as feelings matter more, is the message. The education is to think what anybody desires and believe it. Feelings guide even sciences today, to not insult by telling the truth, but go with the social movement, because everybody has got the truth of their own, which is valid, no questions asked. Intelligence is puzzling these days and lost. University understood wrong. To abandon all known and set a completely new reality, which is created by whims and the so-called left. It seems as how much are you able to game, lie, censor, bully, usually scare into silence and how much one is able to feel. We are an emotion nerve. To be irrational is the fun and right to have. Irrational is also the destructive. How much anyone should take feelings seriously is 100%, which goes for some religions: their feelings are sacred and inviolable. Men, that is men, who feel strongly, are able to reproduce like women, bear children, take care of them, nurture, chest feed and love their children, take care of their families and of their households in a same way as women without it being an issue. Great, more power to you. Equality finally, men doing what women do and women doing what men do. (First time I saw man chest feeding, I thought I’m going to throw up.) People with strong feelings coming to Europe and note, they do talk about feelings, feelings people.

This way by having the same bodily functions and organs, men can understand women and children, women can understand men, but I do not understand, why sex doesn’t matter as it plays a big part in our world and one still needs to match one’s inner feeling of sex surgically to be there unimagined, real and you say it is irrelevant still and nobody should mind someone thinking the real is this? Men can place themselves into position of those who need support and love, understand those who are vulnerable. There are men who need protection from other men and men who need protection from women as women who are not ok with this have a say, as we know, words hurt the worst, but men are the aggressive sex. Aggression rises up so suddenly in response to words. So why aren’t doctors and psychologists saying no to this lunacy and protecting young people? Should we treat children as adults or are we that equal as it seems? Equal being the weird concept these days. To use equity, which doesn’t support rational, but the irrational.

Remains to be seen, what is achieved by this all and what the eventual cost will be.

As men can get pregnant too, population of the world is increasing by far too fast, but as nature has made it, it is essential for creating a mental connection between the sexes to create. Can the medical profession save mankind? Connection which is being made via creating bodily similarities, celebrates differences, though I am not sure why gender differences matter anymore or why surgery is necessary since gender is a crime and a pronoun issue. I repeat myself. Nonsensical doesn’t need to make sense. We are the same body, enhanced and forever youthful and happy. It is a whole different world where reproduction, sex, periods and all of sexuality are openly discussed and problems are immediately solved, not making a mess, not harassing or stalking anyone, but discussing these difficult issues. To disagree is still prohibited. But men are bigger and God said this. Not taking no for an answer, but always expect yes to all. Puberty is forever gone might be a good thing. No more teen angst. There are no taboos and women are strong leaders and they are listened to like boss ladies in tulle. People can decide whether they have kids, families or concentrate on other things in their lives. Therefore in this case, children are safe, because we fully understand each other’s needs, desires, beliefs, goals, expectations and emotions of others. World is a peaceful and equal place. It is a ready-made perfection on plan and always as desired. Be who you are is a weird idea in a full-on manipulated and controlled world where influences take the best of you and you will be under influence, manipulated to consume and your social credit hangs on a thread. Be on your toes, don’t shake the balance of feelings people. Unity and a paradise for people who equally have menstrual circle, say everything in repeat, for people who get pregnant as equally or can abort when necessary, who learn to share and respect life and difference from very early on. Stay safe.

Must be satire. Definitely is. Smile. Looking happy is beneficial for other people.

2014

She looked like she had been treated like so badly all her life and that made her disturbed and disturbing./ Strange dream.

Killer, pencil on paper, acrylic on canvas, 2022

Slutness is a blame and label that has always been there, waiting to be revealed. She becomes a whore when you keep calling her that since little girl. You can beat the monster alive.

Strange dream

Strange dream
I have been trying to understand the concept living to the fullest (since I began to read women’s magazines.) First, I looked for paper dolls to cut out functioning with feeling of lack. I Had a dream in which I was in a place I had been in a dream before. It was remembering a dream in a dream. I wanted to find a paint that would paint a room in similar blue to simulate a deep ocean. Such paint was hugely expensive and demanded a lot of pigment. I visited a paint store that sold (the only one) that particular paint and wanted to see this valuable stuff, though I could not afford it. The store was also painted in blue. There was nothing else, but the paint mixer in the middle of that blue room, two saleswomen smiling and they asked if I wanted to buy something. I just came to ask for the price of the miraculous substance.

There was also a large garden, that I had only seen flying low over, garden with naturally round trees, lilac flowers. I was in awe. Plane made an oldish propeller sound. Strange visiting places in dreams where you have only visited before in dreams that only exist in dreams.

Art of self-portrait has evolved into not examining and studying oneself, but skin and looks are the most interesting things about anyone. It is to judge quickly. A sea of selfies also telling what you look like by the pool in repeat. Oh look, she still by the pool, looks quite youthful. Nice ass. You should look your age I have heard. Really? What is that by the pool?

What’s my age? Well, it is Rock your little heart out and I wanna be a rock’n’roll singer, I heard it pays well. Years and years without a filter, I thought you liked the natural look. Ok, let’s move on. By the pool you age quickly, just so you know.

2015
1998 self-portrait on film.

Depicting oneself, not just how one looks like but bringing one’s personality into a picture, has been one important branch in Fine Art. Don’t know is it about facial expressions like smiling and looking happy and fit, showing the best side I mean that much, but they do have a part, what sides anyone wants others to see and how one sees oneself. An important topic of image of human, you and me before photography and still today the slowness of the process of painting and drawing demands focus, thought, intellect and studying, skill of some sort and desire to do it, look at yourself with all you have got. There still are topics worthy of a picture and those topics that get sidelined. It takes time and an idea of you to frame you. To have an idea of oneself and imagine it further, maybe a little lie, taking time to look at oneself without judging or maybe the most interesting part is what gets judged and should be eliminated. ‘Flaws’ are possible the most interesting part of you, eliminating them, you eliminate something out of you. It is a process which leads to progress and a good starting point of beginning in art, like who are you, what do you focus on in yourself and in the world, what do you want with this picture. Does it matter what others want to see? What is seeing and perceiving, how do we feel when we are looked at?

Selfies seem to tell where you are instead of who you are and tell where you are headed, which is the stars of course, the celebrity, fame to be looked at and gaining wealth. Being rich is what is desired and selfies often want to tell. What fame accomplishes is a sea of images, a very flat world nowadays. What kind of a phone do you have, what are you wearing, how are you feeling, what is your politics and what kind of a mark do you want to leave in the world, how smooth your skin is, what products do you use, something very commercial and sellable, but does tell of you, I suppose. It is like you are for sale and any mistake is monitored and as a result you are either approved or discarded or whatever, making money or not is the valuable to know in what you do, but you want to be accepted as you are with filters and ideals that Instagram shows. Authenticity being a lie is an interesting way to the natural which we all appreciate. Swiping images of faces, what is it? What is this digital mush? Not buying, are you selling, what are you selling? How many beauty products do we need to be happy?

Promoting yourself the most, not examining who you are, constantly, so don’t make a mistake even though those can be the most interesting thing you ever did. How careful do we have to be with images as they are the manufactured good? It is strange in the times of therapy and healing that we are products to be sold or discarded, mocked and used. Messaging what you stand for and that is who you are and have been since the election of Trump, because Trump is bad and you are good. The right side or the wrong one, but as always image is to create you, real or not, a show of you. Do you create the image as is the assumption or is it made for you like a ready-made, an easy enough plan to follow? There are lots of fears concerning the self-image, how people perceive you and do they accept you. Do you accept you and why are you your image? Are you your authentic self as is the desire and need? What does authenticity even mean anymore when opinions are the most dangerous thing? Even makeup is to look natural made artificially, point is to cover any sign of aging, fat or whatever thing people like to stare at.

The viewer might try to find you, but considering how images are modified, reshaped, tuned, controlled, seeing the human is getting more difficult. Just make a statement. It is like we don’t want to be seen, even though your face and body are there, there is a layer or many layers on you. The topic is to look good and sexy on a stream nonstop, sexy by the pool in your bikinis posing. You are pressured to look a certain way and you are corrected to look ‘better’. Social pressure has always been there and still today those who do not conform are odd. Which non-conforming is accepted today, I wonder. I don’t see it. Non-conforming is to go against the grain per se and clearly many don’t like it. I thought that was a good thing. People are surprised when someone doesn’t do as pressured. I am the weak one, right? Today in all freedom and unity women pressure other women to be the image pointing out every flaw in you. I do enjoy my natural state, unmodified and I have no intention joining this mass movement of dullness and looking like celebrities, I mean famous people, enjoying leisure, you do all look the same. That is the ideal, beauty in leisure and it is work. If you make money, it must be work. If it pays well, it is valuable and worth everybody’s time.

So, back to self-portrait, you look at yourself in the mirror or like I first started without it and painted an imaginary picture of myself which I had kept to myself till I painted it. How you picture yourself without seeing yourself physically is an interesting mind exercise of what you think of yourself and how new a picture of you can get, not to mention are you capable of doing it, are you able to hold a pen and start. In a world where others like to define you, tell who you are and should be like and should look like, it is more than a welcome way of practicing learning to know yourself, learning to look at, seeing, being yourself in a hostile environment where people bring chaos into your life just because they can, trying to be unique (whatever that is) and just learning an art technique to move forward. Image today is a proof of you existing and living digitally online and the online is fast moving to change the reality and us into images with few dimensions. Billions of people having phones in their hands standing next to a cliff, say hello to the world. Self-portrait is telling perhaps there is more to you than a snapshot. Selfie is telling how well do you imitate someone else? The Barbi doll is someone to go for in real life for some reason I do not know. The Barbi doll is a mystery even though it is plain obvious living dead. Her body is controlled, fit hourglass and all she does is maybe walk the beach to be seen. Time taken to think about what you are doing other than a product of yourself is also important in finding something humaine and personal or are you erasing the personal, other than you are here and this is how beautiful I look like, like me, want me etc. Beauty being the manufactured kind, that can be rebuilt by surgery over and over again. There is no limit as there are doctors who will do it. Thinking about what is changing in perceiving a person and oneself and do we see every picture as art-like, you as the artwork and everyone is an artist and what does it mean eventually for art, artists and is it even interesting. Maybe art is vanishing as it has been? Art is valuable clearly when it makes money. How the visuals we produce are changing and how much technology dictates the images we make? There is quite much control for good and bad images flattering being one huge reason to do pictures, curating oneself is to be a professional, like poor lighting, unthought background, unfortunate line when drawing, smell of decay and shit etc? The control aspect is what strikes as abuse of power and ‘perfecting’ everything not understanding what is good. A good image of you?

2022