The Gossip and making of it: The contradiction in me is the contradiction shown to me, because it is the flaw that should not be but is.

I tell you my personal point of view so there is no need to speculate how I see myself: The very personal issue of all to all is how to be accepted and stay accepted. How does it happen, what do I have to do and be like to be accepted. As an idea it is the basic human problem, relevant, important and at the same time very unnecessary as there is the constant message in the air that we are to be accepted as we are, loved as such, especially children who are what they are without much possibility and need to be something else. Children do not fake themselves, act phony unless there is a punishment, judgment, shadow, fear etc. telling to do otherwise than what they do. They learn to fake it when it becomes clear they are not what they are supposed to be, they are not doing what they are expected to do. This has been the core issue in my life. There has always been talk around me about me, which talk is not meant for me to know. I have been aware and observing as artists and children do… So I am being analysed by others to others but not analysed to me or asked how I see things. I am left out for whatever reason. Something wrong about me has been defined and has been made a story. Good things do not make such a good story, right? It is not good to talk what is good? That there is idea that there is nothing wrong with the environment or people, but the error and flaw is in me because I am different. Issue of gossip and talk has been there all my life without me, still, somehow never stopping. I am there but I am not there. I am scary and I have to be scared. This is sad history and has made me feel inadequate and really puzzled about how am I supposed be, which has made me work even harder. I somehow do not exist and exist at the same time. So you understand that I really don’t understand how to be in the world of people. If you get what I mean.

It is no wonder I was lost and still am. State of lost and loss has become my tools and topic, good thing and bad, good and evil. I juggle and experiment. I provoke with my mere existence as is evident, now I enjoy the provocation and know how to create from and with it, to identify with obscure and weird and what is odd exactly. It does not take much to seem crazy and out of balance, become scared and build a bubble. I take the provocation as far as I can to see what happens. People make things happen. Very small tiny things move them, move their lips, make them talk. It is easy to say I am cynical. I see myself as having an organic part in a human game and as a researcher, what else could I do? If I give you information why do you share it, what are your motives for that? And what have been the motives to gossip behind my back all a long? How am I the cynical one here one can ask. I just study you. I know myself. It is healthy to learn to know thyself. It is called growing. To seek flaws in me is the same old same old as is the not giving me any credit for my exceptional talent, which is obvious and oh so demanding. Does it have something to do with my gender??

There is and has been a great chance for me to get badly hurt, but I am already all the time in a state of hurt, which is like built-in me, so it does not make much effort to take the hurt further and further little by little and see how much hurt people are willing to make. I have learned to place hurt and everyday reality to their places, into perspective of research and art. What hurts me, probably would kill you. Most it hurts to see how little people change and what kind of things make them talk. It is what makes the world go round. That is the sad part. As I test my limits it means I make progress. Pain and work are parts of that personal progress. So if I as an artist and human being begin to be accepted as such, it will be the most strange place I could be. One becomes used to of not being accepted. Contempt, suspicion, rejection, humiliation and hate are parts of that world. To understand me it is good to understand where I come from. It is a very different place and view-point. To think my world is unharmed, pink and naive is unbelievably naive.

Please begin to explore your minds, if you haven’t started yet. Let the healing begin. There is a saying of better late than never. In the case of making gossip better it is never. Oh what a contradiction. To see yourself as you are can be a good thing. To like has to live a kind of life one wants, be the kind of person one likes.

hmm let’s see: rumors, bad talk, backstabbing, isolation, killing. This is my advise to all: You can never educate yourself enough. Never forget.

Most puzzling fact is that witch-hunt is still a widely used convention and a needed method to keep society and women scared and therefore unchanged and chained. 
Surely we all know meaning of negative social behavior and what is seen as negative.

Laparoscopic Gynecologic Anatomy



Men have vaginas.

Title to a school essay: My religion good religion.

I believe men have vaginas and women can impregnate men. Men have uteri (man can have uterus), breasts, periods, mood swings, emotions, as we all, and need to share their emotions and thoughts. Women have penises and need to be powerful and strong pillars of society. Women are intellectually as capable as men are emotionally open. Men are able to reproduce like women, bear children, take care of them, nurture and love their children, take care of their families and of their households in a same way as women without it being an issue. In this way by having the same bodily functions and organs men can understand women and children, women can understand men. Men can place themselves into position of those who need support and love, understand those who are dependent on them as adults, parents and as companions. As men can get pregnant too, population of the world is increasing by far too fast, but as nature has made it, it is essential for creating a mental connection between the sexes, connection which is being made via bodily similarities, though I am not sure why gender differences matter in this case anymore, we are the same body. It is a whole different world where reproduction, sex, periods and all of sexuality is openly discussed and problems are immediately solved. There are no taboos and women are strong leaders. People can decide whether they have kids, families or concentrate on other things in their lives. Therefore in this case, because we fully understand each other’s needs, desires, beliefs, goals, expectations and emotions of others, world is a peaceful and equal place. It is a ready-made perfection, unity and a paradise for people who equally have menstrual circulation, for people who get pregnant as equally, who learn to share and respect life and difference from very early on.

Of not knowing. ReAllY?

There are certain things, objects mostly and which are many as we know, that a Modern person must know to keep up with the constant change made by markets (stay interested and aware), which could be called a trend after a trend kind of following and a fashion for the shallow nature of getting excited for a while and discarding just like that for something novel. Especially when one is working on a creative field which adores and widely uses very specific kinds of technological devises that are commonly accepted as the best and which give status of a professional for the buyers and users. Staying outside the technology religion and hype signifies being out of style, not knowing what is style, how to interact and do things, ignorance of what is going on professionally, using unprofessional conventions and stating lack of finance, which is probably the worst flaw.
This all which is unfortunate, true and experienced and is creating an instant backlash that impressions, possessions, equipment, wealth, connections and showing them is what really is important and need to be shown. Hierarchy is all and getting above is important. These symptoms of Capitalism are very human, infantile yes (adulthood is demanding) and unreasonable as they are too, are exactly that: simple reactions and solutions of very young minds to extremely complicated issues of how to create, how to make professional identity and what does it mean to be professional, how to make value, what is valuable, not wanting to admit making mistakes or that there could be something wrong, avoiding the answers of how many ways there may be to do things when you actually are creative. Technology religion is trying to solve ownership, success, status by selling and buying, staying hip looking, imitating, doing the same as your buddies and business associates and being in with the surface of things, believing in accuracy of assumptions, assumptions on how things and people should do, be and behave, which strengthens views on what is seen as weird. This all is very under-aged thinking creating huge gaps between people (where is the art there one might ask). One might think to oneself that there are many things done wrong just because of ignorance and out of habit and a mass of people who follows something that is very much as a religion.
When means of creating get few and few people can afford those few means what kind of art and culture will we have? The Coming of the Post-Industrial Society (1974). This “immensely popular book” (Crawford 1983, 381) crystallised the claims according to which industrial society was superseded by another kind of society where “what counts is not raw muscle power, or energy, but information” and where “the central person is the professional, for he [sic] is equipped, by his education and training, to provide the kinds of skills which are increasingly demanded” (Bell 1974, 127).”