Responsibility issues what comes to speaking, what is an attack and what can be tolerated: a personal take on communication between humans. Speaking is a performance.

We evaluate each other for how we speak. What do you say of that person over there, what do you say of yourself and what is the world like in your speech. What kind of content you produce, what kinds of pauses there are, phrases, language, style, what kind of text is produced and is thought through, what comes out when we speak, in what kind of voice. What does a voice do: it scares, threatens, is too silent or has found the perfect balance. Voice has to be firm and loud enough. It has to reassure the listener, but not too much noise please. Too much is a threat and tone of voice in which we speak has a meaning. Sometimes one has suppressed one’s voice that shouting may be the only way to express and make a sound, which has made me wonder the sensitiveness of how we must police our levels of voice. It is curious that to find a voice one can find it by raising one’s voice, by shouting. It scares people, so do it alone or in a group who understand your quest of finding a voice. The evaluation happens instantly and our conceptions of the speaker influence a great deal, what we expect of hearing, what do we think the speaker means and what do we think of the speaker. How open can we be towards someone else’s message and what does openness mean, is it that we agree to listen. Reactions are the ones we are hoping to get. We are open to listen, make note and respect or just pass? In how many ways can the spoken be understood is the same as how many ways can the nonverbal be understood? What are the things that interest us in a speaker, why is she or he appealing to us and what are the things we pay attention to in anyone? It is safer to blend in, go with flow, try not to irritate. To disagree can be daring nowadays. We must have a personal interest of some kind and we like to think the personal is correct, true and something to guard.

I have always been pointed out that I don’t speak enough which has clearly been a flaw. As a child I barely spoke at all. In terms of speaking, it is interesting to use myself as an example. Pretty girl does not speak, she just looks pretty. That can be a task that is enough. When women and girls speak out their minds, it may come as a shock. Since now I speak whatever I feel best, I also like to provoke and enjoy havoc caused, but it does not mean I would not mean what I say, I just speak my mind without censoring myself. If people’s ways of thinking get disturbed, I am thrilled to see what happens. Silence is a place of an observer, but it also is accepting one’s place and the place is not defined only by you, but you yourself remain evaluated nevertheless. Silence is a place of hiding, of suspicion, that there is something wrong with that person or there is nothing to say. Silence can be taken in many ways, what it means, so why not ask rather than make up something coloured and biased. Silence is appreciated in Finland and it is a weird mix of inability to talk and enjoying silence, not being bothered by it, but still many are. I can be very silent which for many strikes as scary and odd. Talking is the way for us to express ourselves, self-evidently, just like that, bluntly or very considerately. It is a matter of credibility, fun, entertainment, socialising and status, often that clearly is not speaking like it mattered, but as if there are compulsive reasons to produce speech to avoid feelings of emptiness, loneliness and feeling of being left out, for example.. It is not enough that you speak, you have to speak of right, accepted issues in a right accepted way, which when problematic is avoided, can begin to feel like a straitjacket and going round in circles. Why do I have to follow this system and rules of speech and why fear is something one feels.

In a crowd of only men, it is weird to speak as the only woman. You stick out. In a crowd of working class (or not-so-much-educated people), one with education sticks out. It is even worse when you are a woman. What kind of issues concern me, what can I say in the end? Well I avoid the personal and like to concentrate on social and political issues, art and what else is there than the self..Female voice is an interesting one, what comes out of that mouth, what is it worth and what does it tell of a person. Blame there is is an interesting issue to take under microscope, as it exist in a way of a power tool. People like to invent things, analyse, read the person, often wrong. The person who does not take part in conventional manner, disagrees strongly or stays an outsider must be labelled. It is a place of constantly fighting against bias and wrong information. You have not tried enough to claim your place which place is claimed by claiming respect and there are rules. How do we get respect, what do we have to do and what do we have to be like to be worthy? How much respect is worth having in a lookalike world that seeks to be liked? It has always been a wonder to me as respect falls on others and escapes some of us. It is about system of values and changing that system of thinking.

When young, I found it so that my speech was meaningless, because of my age and because of my gender. I didn’t have a voice, I was invisible, but I existed, which is a place for artistry to come out. I found value in being a freak and a language I could speak. Those who do not speak, are stupid is the very often felt judgment, which is weird in a country that values silence. Today in cacophony of talk, those who are silent, seem to be a blessing. Everyone has an opinion and has to voice it. It is a very straightforward method which we call social. Again those who make the most noise are the most noticed and listened to people. My way of staying outside feels natural to me, although it is odd for most people. I have not participated in the ways people usually participate and engage, still I don’t think of myself as anti-social, quite the contrary. Silence is serious and not so much fun…Your fun is not mine either.

In human relations one’s space has to be taken, it is not given. When one is not interested in spaces that exists to be social, one should still try and engage, it sounds like a problem and an effort. Now that I don’t hesitate to speak, I speak of wrong issues and have wrong kind of opinions. Human relations and codes of communication are somewhat interesting, difficult to master, especially jumping to conclusion strikes me. It is so easy, so please try to avoid, if you can. You have to know human way of thinking to use communication skills correctly, that is social, but it is also manipulation. It is about psychology and authenticity, or ability to look like authentic and reliable. It is about learning ways of communicating, the correct ways, knowing how people think and what are one’s own goals, because there are always personal gains. I laugh too loudly, it is a flaw. I shout out when everybody else is quiet, it is weird. I think I like myself. lmfao

Logic is difficult to find therefore feeling of lost is a continuous emotional vacuum.

To me there is no such thing as self-evident, everything or anything must be questioned. To question oneself can be state of unworthiness or it can be a very healthy road to explore oneself and grow as a person. Depends how one does the questioning, in what kind of position one places oneself. Few absolutes exist, yes, but what comes to people and their behavior there is always room for questioning and analysis. It is not a certainty that sun rises every morning. Maybe night just continues and there will be no light anymore. We are left in the dark and cold on a planet we think is for us. When it happens we scream and feel desperate. We are in shock over something that should have not happened. It is peculiar and odd to find out on daily basis how 100% sure most people are of their own absolute righteousness, that their arrogance is justified as they are perfectly doing what they are here to do, which often seems to be to have fun and mock. Dilemma for me in this perspective is how fun is defined and how blindly self is perceived, how things and people are not questioned but taken for granted, accepted or discarded. How what we are supposed to do and we do because we are supposed to do it get rarely seriously jeopardized by refusal and demanding for answers. To say no is boring, to withdraw is sick. It is far too easy and acceptable to belong to a group as a group of similar minded is secure and safe to be in. Are we ok in this group, is it the group where we belong to, do you do what your group expects you to do, or are you doing what you want to do?

It is much too obvious that be part is what we all want, that to be part of a monotonous group mimicking a cultural icon and way of life is what we should have and why shouldn’t we. Grouping is to leave something out, game of success and being popular is a norm as it is normal good seen as luxury, loud privileged ones owning the space do their all to get what they want. Egocentric self-adoration where is little room for anything else is also a norm. There is very little room for understanding and learning. If there is a lesson learning happens through accidents when something bad happens. (You didn’t mean it but you did it anyway) Something bad that was not supposed to happen because things are imagined to be under control in the light of the privileged and young as they own their luck and good fortune, their friends and their space. They cannot be questioned, they are not humble enough to think there would be anything wrong they do. Their privilege is their rebellion in a world of shit.

Condition of arrogance and negligence is seen as perfect way to live like there is no tomorrow and people take care of themselves, they work out and choose their clothing. What happens tomorrow, will anybody like me, be interested in me tomorrow? This insecurity is a big part of being a girl and being a woman in overly sexual world where male pleasure is what women are for. To like a woman is to like to look at her and have sex with her, present her to buddies. Most preferably men are to have many women, a line of women and woman to have sex with a line of men who take her. In a way those entities get trophies they need to be successful and looked up. Position of a star in a sea of flesh, abundance of meat is all you can eat and more. It is about greed, openly horny attitude finding ecstasy via indifference and danger. Only things that matter are appearance and wealth, holes and fillings, filling a vacuum which is there all the time. A silence that cannot be tolerated, a self that has to be molded to fit.

When we are scared to have authority over lives of our own and think for ourselves, we run down the cliff as it is fun in a group.