Pleasures in pain

From where ever she leaves she leaves a mystery behind. I met her yesterday and didn’t know what to say. I do have wisdom to know the world but when I met her I didn’t know what to be wise meant anymore. Maybe I just thought I have wisdom as myself and that I could look everything else from that knowing of mine, that knowledge I thought I had owning me. Why did I think I had such knowledge to see through when there are impossibilities such as her? “The collective affect of love, loss, guilt, and mourning, maintains ties of identity.”

Why should I accept you the way you are? To accept what exactly in anyone and what to dislike? Decision have to be made because one has to keep on moving and knowing. To think one knows is a pattern of the world today. We repeat what we know, we think we have knowledge, we pose with the knowledge we have. What we want to know and what we don’t know.

What kind of ground do I have to listen heavy metal, to write about it, to identify with it?

Again a stage for men which interests me and it has not been strange to me until I hear it is strange for a girl to listen to and like music of noise and anger. When I begin to think things I like the stages are invaded by men traditionally. I really don’t have much respect for traditions especially not for people of traditions who are prejudiced against women doing what they wish, for those who think women doing something traditionally male dominated craft are in the wrong place.

Wanted to start writing about my musical inspirations and idols. I find it demanding to begin since I do not have any other ground for music than that of a listener who experiences music and likes to listen a vast variety from contemporary to pop and disco, from classical to thrash metal. I don’t want to make walls between musical genres and ways of saying and doing. To me they mostly come from same kinds of desires to express and create. There are of course those who truly push the boundaries and those who don’t know how. Poetry and music were the first art forms which spoke to me and I started to think could I do the same.

Soulfly, Heavy metal speaks to me Heavy metal madness

To me there is nothing strange about it. Metal music addresses issues that are close to my persona, my interests, my heart and human existence as puzzling and never-ending creative and destructive force. Fears, hate, difficulty of living and existing in a contradictory world made by liars, warring, arms dealers, bankers, dirty politics, gender divisions etc. Heavy metal is strongly a Western music genre, at least very little of metal music from continents of Africa and Asia hit our consciousness, although definitely punk and metal are a world-wide phenomena and in world-wide use, one way or the other. Ways of saying, liking and making music differ much of course as we are very musical creatures. What would not be music. Music is in our blood. Interesting is how we become to like something particular, which things affect our liking, how do we grow to listen and make music. How music speaks to us on multiple levels and what kind of music does the speaking that hit the deepest and starts a snowball effect of human intellectual and artistic development. Skill is emphasized and it is important to pay attention to that metal music is born out of extraordinary talent, musical innovation, originality, out of marginal, that does, because it has to, which brings in the mind-blowing charm and energy of the scene.

Liking heavy metal is considered a manly case. Heavy Metaller is much of a stereotyped image that everybody recognizes. There is a distinct manly way of expressing by attacking that is prohibited from women, expression that appeals to me. Striking. The use of one’s voice by shouting violently, incoherently loud, fast and with massive force is part of heavy metals attractiveness, repulsiveness, heaviness and impact. It either sucks one in or makes a strong rejection. Metal is taking use of voice and noise to the limits of human endurance just as opera and can be just as theatrical. Experimenting one’s limits with as much energy as possible, as much as one has got. Lyrics attacking the society and hypocrites, class, tradition and conformity. Use of ultimate noise production is a provocation and a necessity, show off of ones strength and fury, making a distinct gap and tear between traditional, security comfort seeking mass, who do not wish to think for themselves, who wish to take the easy way. Metal is to wake those who sleep up and inspire to feel all emotional scales there may be. Metal is a social movement of rage, youth, hate and riot via music. Innovation and creating personal way of expressing anger, frustration, contempt and hate. Heavy metal is making constant revolution through noise and individual running free experience, but one can stay put in that thought rebellion as well, reject new. Disturbance interacting with the audience, performers themselves. The listener who can take part in freedom of making noise and being one rioting mind. Metal is an emotional community, who share the similar negative feelings mixing into a mass of aggression, which movement is cathartic and rejuvenating at best. At its worst it can be the opposite. To me it is a purification cult, steamy shower of human anger, a steamy act of ear fuck. Heavy metal way of living is expressing all there is to give within a certain masculine frame. So maybe all is too much to say. To me metal is to embrace individual decision-making and do an opposite of what society expects, choosing, resisting and refusing one-fit-for-all-model of civilized society and cherishing the dark side of humanity as creative force. Dark of human mind is also feminine and that feminine has masculine sides in her. For me metal is firstly pacifist, revolutionary, liberating, poetic and energetic form of art of noise.

Music genres make tribes separating different ideologies, groups of people, making stereotypes, separating sexes, music is heavily about feelings and emotional expressions, dancing, jumping, diving, shouting thoughts, some thoughts more valid than others, but shouting them anyway. Tribes disliking and looking down on each other, fighting and avoiding contact like avoiding disease and belonging to a wrong kind of group. Punks and heavy metallers have a history of hating each others’ music and each other as opposites, which I have found strange since they do come from a very similar mind-set of rebellion. Messages and ways of doing can be very similar. They tend to behave like they were two different kinds of nights, stormy and less stormy, edgy and edgier or a cyclone and a hurricane, Finn and Swede. Those who do not understand shut something worth while outside their comprehension out of prejudice. Testosterone, chauvinism and weird show off of masculinity tend to chase away those who love disco. Heavy metal can be a very straight world, although it itself is a multitude of ways of expressing. Is it straight forward or backwards going but strength of physical signifies going somewhere, probably and hopefully into the unknown drilling inside all ears. Fairies do not fit this kind of masculinity as they rarely do in something that has a working class background, for some reason feminine is the receiving one to be penetrated, at least that is the appearance of metal music and also punk. Men roar and women adore. Too much femininity is out, as is any kind of softness. Something to work with perhaps. Melancholy and dreaming yes, but no girliness, references to children and childhood are allowed as growing pains are in the essence of raging music. Maybe we should ban girliness and expectations of what a girl can be in an environment that is black with death, hell and diabolic images.

Expressing one’s masculinity in a way of a bull, which with very animal-like rage can seem repulsive, hateful and one-sided. Sexuality cannot be set aside what comes to music. Penises of herd of bulls are having hard-ons and liking it. Rage is an accepted and unaccepted way to exist. Music has been an important part of courting, bringing attention to oneself and testing the other if we like the same kind of music, are we compatible. Reasons why music has such a big part in human existence is immensely interestingly biological. It is as if we breathe music and certainly we live music. Noise is more or less always in the background. Main purpose is to please us, make us feel joy and share our feelings and thoughts. Heavy metal is the music of warriors and soldiers, of men who have a mission, who testify, who shut you the fuck up and make you listen. Does music make us do and make? Definitely. (Not a bad ideal for young girls to be able to shout and scream, manifest anger.) Thematic in metal often go around war, death, solitary struggle, torture, revolution, social injustice, sex, fantasy, any kind of drama and queer a person might face, any tragedy humanly possible and impossible. Use of fantasy in lyrics and wardrobe bring storyteller quality creating battle mentality and depicting desperado lifestyle as ideal way of living. Men and boys who are on voyage of finding and hitting back, making. It is much about heroics of man, men as a group making something solid and men as a crowd accepting this tale, identifying, being part of the story. Making story of themselves as heroes and capable individuals. It is a case of empowerment and taking over.

End of the world, man-made destruction that seems inevitable, a needed destruction of corrupt society are topics that fit metal music organically. Protest begins with drums, when one begins to sing without need to please the ear, but tear something apart. Destruction of melody, tradition, order and harmony, making new harmony and melody that hurt and invade, not as we have learned to know sounds as likable and friendly. Metal has turned liking into something new, a riot, taking space over. What is there to like anyway, peace and quiet of a suburb? It is not adequate to like metal, it is not adequate to like anything. Adequate is not enough a word. Adequate is to join the protest. Metal is made to resist and metalmen protest with all that there is to give via voice, instruments, manly energy, skill and spiritual force, rough appearance and self-made message. Metal is not without god and not without the devil as we all know, as is not the world without those entities. Evil that men do is still the worst there is. World is filled with devil and talk over god, but men are very godless in their actions. Full of fear, loss, crime, death and hypocrisy, full of shit. Full of liars, traitors, wars, powerlessness, injustice and famine. Men have shown their fear of the different with all kinds of crusades, bans and biases.

To talk about heavy metal as one entity is of course false, because it has huge variety of categories to choose from. It cannot be judged as easily as people tend to do. Interesting is the complexity of masculinity, appearances, maneuvers on stage and playing in personal way manifest power taken over, identity claimed and stated. Which is what people who make this kind of music have to say, manifest unity in pure anger and originality. To seek to find in music, ourselves, our place, humanity and originality. “ Reducing the dialogue around all our biggest female artists to what they mean for feminism is limiting – we should allow female artists the space and agency to be creative without subscribing them to a set of rules that male artists are still largely exempt from.” 

Why Girls Who Cut Their Hair Are Actually Cutting Off So Much More

And liberating it was.


Monster tan

Definition of doing, how small, how much and what. Moving.
Always under surveillance, under looking-glass,
cyclist passing by with a cheer and a hat, peeping non-sleeper enjoying little light through narrow slits, time when everything sounds loud. You breathe like a horn was blown and buffed to call something. Options for solitude and thoughts of all kinds, scales of absurd and trauma to your left shoulder and over, tissue damage visible cut over a cut.

Women who are dirty. Women who between their legs are dirty, they are ashamed and shamed, should be washed. Skin is dirty, armpits smell, hair is clumpy unwashed. Weed of deep-sea traveled to the feet still smelling of that salt and water, of that depth of unknown and scare, swoosh hoist her to look at her in the light. In the of day miss dUMbBum scared eyes in the light diagnosis of day set her.

Why is cruelty a dominating practice?

Is cruelty a dominating feature in humans? It certainly dominates to news. In certain realities cruelty dominates the whole of life experience. How do we select how to behave and act towards others and ourselves? Do we become cruel when our environment is cruel to us or do we act against cruelty, against all odds? Despite we get hurt ourselves do we fight against cruelty and do not fall into trap of being cruel as revenge? How do we prevent us from being cruel is of course to know what is cruel and what is good to do and what is not. Things gained via cruelty are not worth having is the first piece of advise to understand. How do we understand and obey such an advise in a cruel world? We have to know worth of the other in correlation and relation to us no matter how far, how strange, how poor. When others do not have value of ours to measure, to compare with us cruelty becomes easily a tool to manifest power over those others who are less according to measurements. Logic many times is when one has less one is less. How do we measure is interesting. Such mindless calculations can and often are very irrational without any factual base. We just like to think we are superior because.

Levels of appreciation and worth are plain and fairly obvious to see and they are continuously there in our every day to place people in to their places from which they have to work and live. It looks like a game of survival which can get bloody. Cruelty may get zillions of forms as we are an imaginative and idea rich individuals, at least so we like to think of ourselves. We also like to reason our cruelty as justified. To me it has become to seem as if most people do not recognize cruelty as a flaw and wrong in what they do. It is therefore accepted as part of a survival game where we must fight and find our place. To a certain extent it is justified to have such a fight. I find it essential part of individual development. Cruelty can have justification of the strong due to this knowledge that we have to fight to get something and when we have gotten what we wanted we have to protect it.

Is there any answer to the question of extent and bloodiness, answer to cruelty? Never plain and simple?

My body does revolution

Define a nice body, the nicest body, say you have a nice body. Why do we constantly look at our bodies? Bodies of others? Bodies, booties, chests, breasts, hips, thighs, elbows, faces, hair.
Tell me is it your body the one you are in, is it the nicest one you could have? The one you are in, you inhabit, the one you look at, the one you look faults from, compare, torment.
Is it a body you wish you had?
How will you have a body of dreams of this culture of body, such a body?
What kind of body your body is?
How will your body evolve to be the one you’d like? What will you have to do?
What kind of effort does a body need? What does body need? Bodies that have needs or minds who need bodies?
How to enjoy body, why are bodies to be enjoyed firstly? What is the culture of hedonism, vanity and lust that craves nice bodies?


Liked, to like to not like

What kind of pattern of thought and events lead to emotional attachment or feelings of indifference? Feelings of positive or negative whole, entirety which make an entity from which to grow and see oneself and others. An idea of something and thought of someone, thoughts that one person has of people around and what one can do in one’s life? It is curious how we become to like or unlike, liked or not liked. It happens so easily, getting rid off an unpleasant sight, feeling, event, person, job, thing, something we cannot learn to live with. How there are these negative emotions towards something and why they are there and how well we tolerate them, and when we don’t have to tolerate anymore, when indeed. I ask because those negative feelings, events and things exist without going anywhere especially if they are left without solving. They can and will make a mess of unsolvable issues around, too difficult to handle and talk about. When the negative is passed on forward usually quite loosely and without much thought, it will have an effect. To think what kind of effect one wants to make in a world and to exist is therefore quite important. How negativity grows, feasts and eats our spaces, bodies and minds has a substantial meaning and ground in our daily lives. It happens so easily one can nothing but wonder the will to do bad, even when it seems minor offence, and the will to want bad to happen for someone even when it feels just a joke. There is a heavy core of infantile need to be quick and do damage just for the sake of damage. Damage that does not feel like damage to you. It brings joy to cause destruction and create a world of distrust and hurt for many. It obviously gives a feeling of power to inflict hurt and make someone feel an underdog.  As long as one is not caught. It is still matter of shame to knowingly cause hurt and want bad for someone I hope. Everyday ethics can be very lost, many not understanding what ethics means and how to apply ethics in everyday.