Why women drink?

drunk, watercolour, 2021

To be comfortable in your body is an idea where one’s humanness doesn’t give you any sensations of the negative, you just live in bliss of happiness and glide, which sounds really odd as a woman and I have had hard time believing in this nonsense. As a person who has daily highs and lows of anxiety (which I suppose everybody has) and feeling ok occasionally, I have had to learn how to live with a very active emotional life. Explosive temper since childhood for a girl is not celebrated, there is something wrong with you, you are evil and what not, crazy. I have heard I am very zen usually by people who don’t know me, which I have aimed to be on the outside (not to disturb anybody’s peace other than in art), it is not even difficult for me, but I do get angry, which is not allowed for women especially and showing anger, dear Lord, don’t break anything. People can’t tolerate other people’s anxieties not their own and I suppose they should not be this level concerned constantly of anxieties and comfort. Neither can they tolerate a very quiet person, which has made me think, what of others do we not see and think it is not there and how much noise is essential to feel comfortable, although you can’t take it when someone shows anger or just says against your opinion? People are also tested how long does it take to lose temper, well test away. Zen is fun. People get anxiety today when they are still a long time, are isolated for weeks and can’t travel. How human it is to be able to be constantly comfortable is very aristocratic idea, people demand differently today than before? We are used to luxury in comparison to life hundred years ago. (or are they constipated today, but looking fine.) Think about stomach pain and diarrhea or sleeplessness. We medicate everything away and invisible. This goes out for people too who are unpleasant in any way making people feel uncomfortable. Now we should pay attention. The negative is there to make us think and notice, and we think about our own bodies and comfort constantly and nothing is never good enough. The negative like pain, shame, hunger (which we should be feeling more), fear, feeling inadequate, fear of losing etc. do have reasons to exist. Aging, bodily changes and disturbing bulges truly are brushed away as much as possible. How about our weaknesses like narcissism?

How do we make progress in comfort and luxury? I have started to think, we don’t. To make progress we need criticism, push back, hardship, conversation and debate, visible effort and work that one can feel one has done something oneself and made it. This is especially important for women who have been told we may not, can not, should not, must not, definitely not. We are going backwards in many ways, criticism being one part of culture that is dullen down and silenced, violently. Die terf is a common enough phrase online and on the streets. Women’s rights being one issue, education another under serious threat and the speed of degeneration is fast. Firing professors who say biology is biology and sex is a biological fact is against science. Erasing the word woman and thinking surgery fixes men into women and they are real women, is what all should accept just like that, is itself a very totalitarian command and childlike tantrums make everybody scared for their jobs. Talking about safe spaces when women aren’t safe to say true things about their own biology is bizarre to the max. The whole idea is absurd and offensive to women, which is a non-issue today like adulthood seems to be. Women’s feelings and safety do not count when men need to be called real women and how many men there are who defend this? It is ominous, the vulnerable men. Speaking out against lunacy and clear mislabelling, is according to activists, violence against a vulnerable part of population. Vulnerability is one, protecting childish needs is something we need to be doing? Wanting doesn’t get, someone used to say. One cause to all of this is plastic surgery and how it is available around the world. Reality TV giving instructions on how to look and behave and bank on all of this. Our decline is evident. I am glad there are voices who speak against the antifeminist movement of self-ID. People have been identifying as whatever before but they haven’t been taken this seriously before, so seriously that working people get hurt. To be good at heart means you are concerned what happens in the world and for people. This is not a good development.

strange to be commented by people about my weight who themselves are fat
strange to be commented by people who themselves do not know how to dress well, they just think they do or is it just expensive?
strange to be commented by people who have an alcohol problem about addictions and behaviour of others
strange to be commented by people who clearly are not well in the head but think they are. To think you are well when you are not and you go on hating other people for it.
strange to be commented by people who have issues, the same people are pointing out issues of others like they were any concern of theirs and they have the same issues?
strange to be commented by people who don’t know what they are talking about but still talk
strange to be commented by people who do not know you or better yet have never met you, they heard about you
strange to be commented by people who think they are superior when they in many ways are not, they are superior because of they have never fallen down on a wet grass?
Strange is to care about any of this and

http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/feminism/2016/08/anorexia-breast-binding-and-legitimisation-body-hatred ““Don’t you get it? you yelled back. I will never feel as free as you do, I will never feel as at home in the world. I will never feel as at home in my own skin. That’s just the way it is, and always will be.””

Gully cradles none.

drunk passed out, oil pastel on paper, 2015

Gully cradles none
A place of lonely struggle one might think. One can learn how to picture it. How one stands, what is there, the treasure to be found. Is solitude accepted, how far is it my own and a struggle, a part that belongs to everybody. And when the fight ends, it is not in death, but in understanding what one can do and become.


Responsibility for someone unborn is greater than to someone holy. So yes I love my kids. There is some sense to this, believe me.

drunk passed out, oil pastel on paper, 2015

Incredible string band


everything is irritatingly misplaced.

Everything is irritatingly misplaced.

Everything is irritatingly misplaced. Two old ladies talking behind me in the bus about weather. How it is so warm today, how little green things are appearing, tulips and things like that. Aroma of something burned but I felt empathy and warmth in their worn out fragile voices which I liked. I felt sun through the glass. Mig.groc. and chewable tablets reads on the side of something.

Black Sabbath was flying stoned

Drunk, passed out, oil pastel on paper, 2015

Black Sabbath was flying stoned

Color is black.
What is with your hair?
Eat hamburgers and drink beer like ordinary people.
How ordinary..Death by drunken asphyxiation, death by misadventure, death by boredom, death by Split Beaver. Well, I never.
Setting these fucking pyro things at seven gates of Hell. We were rehearsing because of red clouds of smoke.
Writing Satan’s love songs to have a breakthrough, we were really screwed.
Women wanted to do certain things with us which had never happened before.
No rest for the wicked.
Characters immortalized in denim and leather.
Man who is a lie will not do.
It was the metallers who were having to look elsewhere to find anything heavy.

Drunk passed out/ You do not have power.

oil pastel on paper, 2015

You do not have power
I am nothing. I have nothing. I come from nothing. I know nothing. I was born yesterday. Tomorrow I will be born yesterday. This is something I struggle to understand. I am defined by others. I can’t define myself. I do not understand. I am so young. I am so silent. Wet behind my ears, naked in front of everybody, puzzled. Reason for my existence is this: act childlike, be helpless, speak with soft voice, smile, be kind. Don’t have lots of sex with men, don’t think you can have lots of sex with men, but be willing. Don’t show your pain, don’t talk about your pain. Tell what has happened to you, don’t tell what has happened to you. Don’t wander around, don’t look for knowledge, don’t think you have got talent, don’t think you are special, don’t think you are rational.

What is a proper laughter for women? Hold your hand in front of your mouth? Be timid. Women shouldn’t laugh loudly like hyenas, like monkeys, like donkeys even though they are subhuman. Don’t look untended, don’t look unfinished even though you are unfinished. Don’t lift heavy objects, don’t do dirty work, don’t do men’s work, you are not capable. Don’t wear revealing clothing, but be naked, because you are, we see you.

Don’t be better than men, keep your composure, keep calm, keep the look, keep smiling. Don’t speak up, don’t speak out. Don’t speak against, don’t contradict. Don’t show long face, don’t show discontent, don’t complain, criticize, but not too much, we don’t want to hear it. Don’t swear, don’t act manly, don’t walk manly, don’t sit manly. Don’t get drunk. Don’t be humorless, don’t be uptight, don’t disagree, don’t be a bitch. Don’t think you have power.

What she deserves?

What she deserves?
It is true, I have a condition and it is called Fuck you. Dye your blond, dye your hair blond, is the message, it equals beauty. Be skinny and fit, it equals to what? What is it? Essentials to being beautiful is to be less aggressive, agreeable, nice so that you do not disturb what it means to be a woman and behave like one. How to be pleasant, wearing Crazy Love the fragrance.

Beauty is subjective. It is when you are able to do what you want and be free? To stick penis into her mouth and make her choke, make her throw up as she should, die as she should, killed by penis in her mouth, mouth like a sewer. That is discussed, being disgusted by her feeling empowered by herself and taking that feeling away it is the right thing to do, she does not deserve to feel powerful.

what she deserves?

oil pastel on paper, 2017

Monster tan

drunk passed out 2021, acrylic on canvas

Monster tan
Definition of doing, how small, how much and what. Moving. Always under surveillance, under looking-glass,cyclist passing by with a cheer and a hat, peeping non-sleeper enjoying little light through narrow slits, time when everything sounds loud. You breathe like a horn was blown and buffed to call something. Options for solitude and thoughts of all kinds, scales of absurd and trauma to your left shoulder and over, tissue damage visible cut over a cut.

Women who are dirty. Women who between their legs are dirty, they are ashamed and shamed, should be washed. Skin is dirty, armpits smell, hair is clumpy unwashed. Weed of deep-sea traveled to the feet still smelling of that salt and water, of that depth of unknown and scare, swoosh hoist her to look at her in the light. In the of day miss dUMbBum scared eyes in the light diagnosis of day set her.

Do you know Jemma Lucy?

Drunk passed out, acrylic on canvas, 2021

Do you know Jemma Lucy?

She is lighter now than when she started some weeks ago. Lighter, not as heavy as she was in her heaviest, approachable. Less of flesh, fleshiness in right places, round but not thin nor fat, seductive to look at.
Picture of a naked woman hand on crotch smiling by the pool. Jump in.
Picture of a woman in bikini posing and bending. Jump in. Picture of a woman flaunting her ample cleavage, perky posterior in a snake print swimsuit soaking up in the sun. Jump in.

Boob boob boob job, job job job toned body in a khaki bikini on Ibiza Holiday after causing a stir. Stirring beauty: How does she do it?
Beauty sported with a pair of pale pink jogging bottoms, look at her ass. Now hands full with her Luis Vuitton carrier in one hand and a mobile in the other barely containing herself in floral bikini, look at her ass. Jemma Lucy looks like she is pregnant. Look at her ass. Who needs the millennium falcon pert posterior in revealing swimsuit? I don’t even know what that means.

What is eating? Everything. This action we must do and be compelled to commit every day. Stay focused even though the focus is on wrong things, always the same things, such as asses and breasts, sex and things we can grab. Nothing wrong with sex. No, but something wrong with neuroticism and blind obsession. Body means very different kinds of things to everybody even though it is to mean very simple pleasures in life and yet a necessity to be able to enjoy one’s body and somebody else’s body, to enjoy life. And how do we do it? No other interest than self-interest and pictures to look at?

Do you know Jemma Lucy?