To get inside Veronica, Veronica out of oxygen. Who would not be complex and conflicted, out of breath? How to be exhausted and not show it. To have a sense of self as a machine and how that machine functions. Try not to be violent, but obedient and eat the penis as it was the best kind of fruit ever hanging in front of you. Look like you have violence as a force of nature, there unused.
How to be believable as a sex worker? Is it so that sex worker is recognizable? A stereotype posing a lure, alluring? Something cannot be verbalized, a thought which is so demanding and dangerous to be spoken out loud with respect that it would ruin something if done so.
To swallow a load, Black Rose Diamond Veronica is a dominatrix. She works in a dungeon. She is dressed in red PVC. Heels so high and black tide up her thighs. Everything is there that she needs to give a lesson and she must be obeyed for the customer to be humiliated in private.
Angelique Rubensia Urbania has voluptuous figure. Something to squeeze while she bangs you on top. Maybe you can’t breathe under her, so it is a punishment to lie under her body. Her cunt is almost too big and it kind of swallows you up. For a prostitute to swallow usually means something else. Something which is partly humiliating, to swallow a load.
Paintings done by me during art school 1998. As an art student I was very influenced by my experiences as a young woman and by many female artists who fearlessly had explored femininity, double standards in art and difficulties in being a woman. How there has been this message that one should be ashamed of one’s body, its fluids, functions, the way body looks, what it is for and what it does. I have been fascinated by how little we have control over our bodies, over how it is seen, commented, looked at and what does it do, the body, that I am, but that has a will of its own. For example having had hugely painful period has been a one thing turning my life upside down once a month and this flooding phenomenon that is a taboo all over the world today still remains mysteriously disgusting and horrifying to many. All this is painful and remains so when female body is obscene and feared, so something one wants to understand and respect should be the case. What is the shame there, what is the dirtiness and scare?
Since there are people today who feel disgusted by menstruation art, that this issue is now called such, I must again put this forward, that women’s bodies belong to women and they do what they want with their bodies and menstruation being one thing women experience in its messiness and pain, shame and irritation, all it brings to us, as private as it may be, it is an everyday normal bodily function and a very important one. The leaking body, that has a way of its own is gorgeous and menstruation should be respected instead of felt disgusted by. And blood is not blue..
Sex bomb is female. We know her without looking. She is an image, a whore, a body, a look, an attitude, a way to walk and talk, audacity to live by without shame and like herself as she is or wants to be. She is explosive in a way that can be seen harmless in a film, funny, seductive, natural without being natural. Most sex bombs are products of entertainment culture offered to viewers on a plate to be eaten with our eyes, abused anyway possible, be dreamed of. She is the dinner, she explodes inside of us, corrupts us and makes us feel the happiness of living via play. Enjoyment is born through looking at a beautiful being who enjoys herself being looked at and wanted. Why she is a bomb, ammunition, lethal, destructive and why she still is seen harmless when she is made a bomb for entertainment purposes continue to puzzle me. Who makes a sex bomb, a sex toy and object of a woman, what kind of woman is that? Female evil incarnated might be one opinion, guilt and fault women bear for seduction, a seductive bitch who likes to be sexual in public without feeling ashamed for her sexuality, her reasons and motives for her behavior and looks, her skin, movement and body showing in reveling clothing, a witch. Bomb is a strong word, a strong object of power with practical form and a straightforward use, means to kill, cause harm. A harmless bomb, woman with sex appeal with one mission, a selfish desire to seduce men which yet is not so harmless according to few religious doctrines. Women whose power and strength is sexuality are a threat as such to order and maintaining structure in society. Body full of promise of good time, fun and sin, what is the sin there then other than what is meant to happen between people, a contact, a mess. Magnetism and attraction which we must reject to be considered respectable and honorable people. Humor and funniness often times connected with sex bombing is veiling our shame and that we are unable to speak freely of sex. It has to be turned into parody and she who has no brain is behaving like this because she cannot do anything else. Value of a sex bomb though is enormous. Such women truly have means to make an impact.
Woman sexually is a target. She is a target as a mind and size of small that must be taught into fitting ideological mold, bound and told what to do. Bad women do not do what they are told to do, which also becomes a silent mode of knowing what is expected of you, so to do what is unexpected is always a victory. When woman is sexually active and shows this in public she is a beast, a whore, stupid enough to do otherwise than what is expected of her and an out of control freak mostly who is seen in negative light and must be punished. Penalty is shame and leaving outside the group of those who keep themselves within comprehensive and civil boundaries which are set to females. It is no wonder outspoken and loud woman is seen arrogant and rude. Dressing provocatively is always a sign of certain kind of looseness, bad taste and wildness that is not permitted behavior for proper women who obey rules. Those rules which are for women are to maintain order and follow religious mentalities, know religious penalties, divisions and fears. What happens to a woman who is disobedient, goes where she should not and does what she pleases following rules of her own mind disrespecting traditional place of woman, normative behavioral rules and regulations of what is good to do and what is not. Good is keeping the society unchanged.
Man is manly when he fucks around, woman is doomed. Man is doing his manly fun, woman is doing out of stupidity and irrationality, out of sheer irresponsibility and ignorance, coldness and because women are not to be trusted. And because she is diminished into carer of man understanding his flimsy ways, still he is not weak, she is. He has got back up which is the whole of manhood and men who do what they urge to do and are allowed. It is no wonder women are weaker in this context of violence and minimizing. They have a heavy burden to carry and wall of prohibitions in front. They are not to lift heavy weights but they do so without anyone noticing the burden lifted weighs a ton or two. One burden is a burden of history and tradition which loads have not moved that much even though we like to think we have made progress. It is difficult for many to look at their genitals or say their correct names out loud. When asked whether women can say vagina and think it is perfectly normal without shame result is many find it awkward. Yes why on earth say vagina aloud in this overly sexualized world. We don’t say it we go around it. Still sex is the most talked about topic, topic that raises scandals, emotions, storms because of daring to address the issue or doing something that breaks the rules of obedient society where nothing much changes other than the gadgets.
To hear puzzling comment how can someone do art about menstruation and hang the picture on her living room wall is still a comment of this day. We think this issue is somehow settled, women bleed and it is normal part of their physiological and anatomical activity. Women and girls do menstruate monthly and in many countries it is a shameful dirty happening not beautiful or normally acceptable. I was ashamed of menstruating when I was in my teens. It was intolerable and difficult to understand why my body without my consent wanted to do voluntary bleeding from my vagina and that place felt dirty, unspeakable, it hurt like hell for couple of days and my whole body felt achy for nothing. It was like my body bullied me into being something else than what I was used to and comfortable being, boyish. The transformation into woman was something I found difficult to accept because the whole process was agony, scary, out of control and I didn’t see any point of it happening. It happened without my permission showing my insides as I felt turning inside out. To choose to be of one gender and sex would have been an ideal, I thought, because being a woman seemed an endless list of sexualized patterns, rules and ways I didn’t want any part of. To be a woman was to be under authority and rule which seemed and still is tyranny.
To do what is expected of me has shown to be impossible. Expectations are minimizing and denying and prohibiting me to find out what I can do and be. This is not anybody else’s decision but mine. I do what I find satisfying and my goals are set by me.
Body parts, feelings, sensations, sexuality and expectations how these issues and things can be seen and will be tolerated. Dress and behavioral codes into which to grow and be comfortable with, but to grow up to be a woman or a man is a struggle whether you are transgender man or female or not. It is a struggle with beauty standards, measures of manhood and womanhood. Very much those measurements stand on shallow ground and stay the same to the core, are extremely difficult to alter. So who is to say who anyone should be? All of society that relies on traditions, gender roles and how we perceive opposite sex and sex of ours, how we are supposed to express ourselves and can not. What to censor of ourselves because it is too much for others to take. It is totally not a free zone or neutral issue as we know and never will be. To feel compassion for transgender people does not mean all criticism must be wiped out and what a human truly is, who is to decide for anybody in the end is the person in question. To identify with gender and what is needed to belong since we are to belong or to be tossed aside quite brutally when we are too much to take or not enough. Fight is when we do not fit in our bodies, our society rejects us, our family rejects as well the oddity. Those who do not want to live by the policing codes and models given to us shall have a fight.
Am I trying to be objective about transgender people’s cry over their right to choose their sex and gender? Maybe. Though I happen to be of opinion partly it is not one’s decision which sex we are but one can live by the idea of the sex one feels belonging to, and people must be free to do so. To be completely of some gender and stick to that ideal of gender is a social construction and is consciously build. We either believe it or we do not. What does free will have to do with deciding since we are not free and decision is not partly ours? Is it a question of owning one’s body and right to choose nevertheless? Ideal man and woman is an echo of past generations and unwillingness of letting go of those ideals is clear. We should be able to follow a perfect image of a woman or a man, to follow and believe norms for expressing and living gender. To be completely of some sex means to be with DNA, organs and bone structure of either sex thinking there are two naturally. What about desires and needs of women and men how do they differ and what kind of desires and needs do transgender people have in this picture? What is the bodily person in comparison to emotional and chemical person and sex? Does body win and dictate who we are and how we must manifest ourselves? Do transgender people follow traditional gender roles, imitate masculine men and feminine women? You feel you are a woman in a man’s body, nature doing tricks with us. How to live with this equation when the rest of the world does not understand or want a freak? How are transgender people to cope with this task and obvious dilemma which is mostly dilemma for those who have bias and strict views on how women and men are? Society wants us to follow nature although we do not respect nor follow nature in our ways, we disrespect nature still we justify our morals and perspectives into human sex via nature and nature being the ultimate guide to how we should see each other and our part in society.
Sex the body, sex the mind. Gender the fucking complex: how to address and dress who we are inside? Who gets to decide? Gender and sex are a big part of our identity, identity which is partly not up to you to decide, our body and emotions do a lot of deciding which is not rational. When gender is a curse or a blessing? It is difficult to be a standard representative of male or female as there are ideals which we like to imitate, there are models for us what a gender looks like and what do they do in their lives, genders, sexes, boys and girls. Which points of views do we take and what kind of aspects affect how we see female and male, how we feel in our bodies? It is clear many don’t feel good, body is always the wrong kind. Sexuality dominates, hetero sex, male desire wanting female body justifiably. Yes we are not just biological, we are not only natural. To simplify issue of how men and women are is unjustified and simply wrong as it is the complex of all complexes. To simplify is the easy way wanting to ignore complexity and being unable to face something weird nature has made. Our instincts do not, hopefully, dictate over us, but is sexuality which is very much an urge of natural origin, the biology, physiology, body and mind deciding for us? Nature is what we are afraid of. How much does society decide for us concerning gender and to what sex we belong, a lot. Fluidity is not something we can just takeover no matter how trendy it is. It is a shame.