Monitoring feelings

To feel lost every day, even though sitting in the same place for breakfast thankful for the coffee. To sit still sipping having all the options and something that stays the same, the place filled with DVDs, papers on the floor, exercise mat and ball, weights, spray cans. Looking at all the bits in a different way and what can be done with them. The feeling of lost is that finding things is so demanding. Finding teip, finding watercolours, brushes, cutting the paper, finding the scissors, board to paint on, deciding to paint, making a visible mark and following that mark made just like that. Taking some consideration and then a lot of consideration. Pressure of good and valuable hanging on. Trying to get rid of that weight by making out of impulse without thinking.

Does this feeling evolve to something else, feeling of chaos and still at the same time? Making makes feelings change into some kind of happiness. What is that feeling other than satisfaction after the feeling you thought you didn’t have it in you, not now but after you felt bored and fatigued. A better feeling about yourself and what you do. The amount of options and lack of options are there to be made something of.

It is puzzling how much into guilt one grows, how much it is part of what and how you do. The balance of how much and when is enough. The straight away answer is never and nothing is enough.

Censoring nudity is the weirdest rule of all in our time of openness and sell off… All seeing eye is watching.

Time of hypocrisy is obviously never-ending. I wonder why is that? We are terrified of uncovering. What is frightening about truth? It must be ugly. It is so terrifying that there are those who wish to act as watching men and women to preserve our civilized cultured fun and good times. What is so disturbing in nude human body that it is feared, loathed and made a root of all problems especially female body? Or is it, the human body and sexuality which follows us, such a troubled and sensitive area we simply cannot tolerate it as everyday imagery. This root of all human behavior and mess of ours we have to deal with and accept as part of us is under constant pressure, but not to be seen as it is.

We are grown into our intolerance. Plain nakedness is primitive and an abomination revealing us in a way we do not want to be revealed. Nudity means something (what does it mean?). It is the fucking, the never-fading animal, sexuality and desire, sin and corruption, shame and humiliation. That we have to hide it unless we are selling a product with the help of sexing up. That is ok. It is even more than ok when money is involved. Logic gets even more strange. We do like the sterile atmosphere of human contact and thought unless it is an ad of a large corporation. Taboos are and remain there left without permission to deal with them. The inescapable taboos torment us for a reason, often without logic we hide them and avoid reasoning with them. It is mind-boggling trying to understand the restrictions, fears, silence, inhibitions, bigotry.

It is also almost impossible to make a fascist change. When there is a restriction of expression how far can it go? What kind of expression is accepted? Where do we draw the line? How depended are of the scene we are at? We are dictated by our scene unless we make the rules change. How much can we pursue to change a mindset no matter how much there is opposition and oppression? If a scene is a jail, we enjoy the work we do, but the jail is prohibiting us from doing our work well, what is there to do? One creates a conflict and deals with it, makes most everybody to deal with the issue. It can get ridiculous if the opposition is of the mind that it is absolutely right and there is no need for change. Ideas of achieved perfection can be blinding.

What comes to those who watch us and why are they given power over freedom of expression, it is them we should be scared of.

Nudity is the loss of privacy, we accept is as a rip off.

Q&Why is cleavage ok but nipples are not? Obsession with breasts with fear of damaging something delicate.


Female body is strictly regulated possession, it is under conscious and cruel use of power. We monitor consciously and unconsciously bodies of ours and others to fit in. It is obsessive and means are never enough. This is an everyday topic, topic of attraction and what kind of options we have and are given.

How does a person become herself/himself in a society of strict codes of living? To do things that are forbidden and hide with them, or to do what you like and face consequences and punishments. Is being yourself to be able to do what you wish? Aren’t I and self connected in doing and making my way, which all should do. I become me when I am active, because making makes me evolve as a person. What is this person to society? In this sense it is horrifying to think that women are restricted from doing and being active persons. Women are restricted from evolving globally. I am also product of my society where I am what I do, a making, accomplishing person. Those who do not work what are they, why are they labelled as something less? Making which does not directly create money is considered not as important. Money makes value. To be important is to label, to have a say, what is that for a position? There are examples of where women are under strict religious order (it looks to me the most of the world is under such order). Women are monitored, capsuled and punished if not doing as they are commanded to do. I do not speak of one particular religion. It seems to be characteristics of all religions to have power over women, of what they are capable of. Women are under command whether it is faith or capitalism. Why is it that women need to be under authority of man. It is hilarious to even have to ask. It is a joke, the authority of man and the desire for power over. It is a joke to want power for the sake of having power.