Gully cradles none.

drunk passed out, oil pastel on paper, 2015

Gully cradles none
A place of lonely struggle one might think. One can learn how to picture it. How one stands, what is there, the treasure to be found. Is solitude accepted, how far is it my own and a struggle, a part that belongs to everybody. And when the fight ends, it is not in death, but in understanding what one can do and become.

everything is irritatingly misplaced.

Everything is irritatingly misplaced.

Everything is irritatingly misplaced. Two old ladies talking behind me in the bus about weather. How it is so warm today, how little green things are appearing, tulips and things like that. Aroma of something burned but I felt empathy and warmth in their worn out fragile voices which I liked. I felt sun through the glass. Mig.groc. and chewable tablets reads on the side of something.

Black Sabbath was flying stoned

Drunk, passed out, oil pastel on paper, 2015

Black Sabbath was flying stoned

Color is black.
What is with your hair?
Eat hamburgers and drink beer like ordinary people.
How ordinary..Death by drunken asphyxiation, death by misadventure, death by boredom, death by Split Beaver. Well, I never.
Setting these fucking pyro things at seven gates of Hell. We were rehearsing because of red clouds of smoke.
Writing Satan’s love songs to have a breakthrough, we were really screwed.
Women wanted to do certain things with us which had never happened before.
No rest for the wicked.
Characters immortalized in denim and leather.
Man who is a lie will not do.
It was the metallers who were having to look elsewhere to find anything heavy.

Drunk passed out/ You do not have power.

oil pastel on paper, 2015

You do not have power
I am nothing. I have nothing. I come from nothing. I know nothing. I was born yesterday. Tomorrow I will be born yesterday. This is something I struggle to understand. I am defined by others. I can’t define myself. I do not understand. I am so young. I am so silent. Wet behind my ears, naked in front of everybody, puzzled. Reason for my existence is this: act childlike, be helpless, speak with soft voice, smile, be kind. Don’t have lots of sex with men, don’t think you can have lots of sex with men, but be willing. Don’t show your pain, don’t talk about your pain. Tell what has happened to you, don’t tell what has happened to you. Don’t wander around, don’t look for knowledge, don’t think you have got talent, don’t think you are special, don’t think you are rational.

What is a proper laughter for women? Hold your hand in front of your mouth? Be timid. Women shouldn’t laugh loudly like hyenas, like monkeys, like donkeys even though they are subhuman. Don’t look untended, don’t look unfinished even though you are unfinished. Don’t lift heavy objects, don’t do dirty work, don’t do men’s work, you are not capable. Don’t wear revealing clothing, but be naked, because you are, we see you.

Don’t be better than men, keep your composure, keep calm, keep the look, keep smiling. Don’t speak up, don’t speak out. Don’t speak against, don’t contradict. Don’t show long face, don’t show discontent, don’t complain, criticize, but not too much, we don’t want to hear it. Don’t swear, don’t act manly, don’t walk manly, don’t sit manly. Don’t get drunk. Don’t be humorless, don’t be uptight, don’t disagree, don’t be a bitch. Don’t think you have power.

Human after all.

Human after all, Cutout from a drawing, oil pastel on paper, 2003

Heart condition

Conditions of heart, conditions of human heart, conditions of animal heart, nature which is conflicted in humans, beats in different volume and speed depending on body weight. Breathing and the beating of heart are connected. A bird’s heart can beat. A bird’s heart can beat in a way as it flies through life fast and drops dead. Once you have held a scared bird, the bird is the heart. Secrets of the heart, of a heart, from my heart, the bottom of my heart, kindness of heart, you have a beautiful heart, to see someone’s heart, to replace a heart with another heart, black heart, ripped off a heart, heart surgeon doing her job, playing with my heart, out of a good heart, bless your heart, big heart big big big.

Do people suffer more than animals? Is heart a symbol of not suffering or suffering in a way it makes you grow as a person? A burning heart, a passionate organ metaphorically, there is strange connection between feeling and a muscle, blood and boiling, the pounding one, pumping, beating orderly, kicking on its own. I don’t have to think about it unless it gets sick. Conditions like not having one, having heart selectively, heart symbolising warmth. Heart of glass, heart of gold, heart of steel, no heart, heart of a dog, her heart is strong, heart is in the right place. Heart of flame, to break a heart, a heart to break, heart attack, heart failure, heartache.

How to express

Fear to express, when do you become afraid to express? What there is to express? When do we know, what should be expressed?

A bruise in a shape of Africa.
Those who do not understand, they may say it out loud and look at you. Things that can’t be told her, are not told her. They are kept from her, totally weird and not at all, but totally something. Silent and distant, untouchable gap, it is a shame, it is a religion.

Men who talk to women as if they were dogs, like dogs, like dogs talk, that they were dogs. What is there to talk to a dog other than they just look as if you know the answer. You don’t want to talk to women like they were equals, because you don’t want an answer. You can’t handle the answer.