Responsibility issues what comes to speaking, what is an attack and what can be tolerated: a personal take on communication between humans. Speaking is a performance.

We evaluate each other for how we speak. What do you say of that person over there, what do you say of yourself and what is the world like in your speech. What kind of content you produce, what kinds of pauses there are, phrases, language, style, what kind of text is produced and is thought through, what comes out when we speak, in what kind of voice. What does a voice do: it scares, threatens, is too silent or has found the perfect balance. Voice has to be firm and loud enough. It has to reassure the listener, but not too much noise please. Too much is a threat and tone of voice in which we speak has a meaning. Sometimes one has suppressed one’s voice that shouting may be the only way to express and make a sound, which has made me wonder the sensitiveness of how we must police our levels of voice. It is curious that to find a voice one can find it by raising one’s voice, by shouting. It scares people, so do it alone or in a group who understand your quest of finding a voice. The evaluation happens instantly and our conceptions of the speaker influence a great deal, what we expect of hearing, what do we think the speaker means and what do we think of the speaker. How open can we be towards someone else’s message and what does openness mean, is it that we agree to listen. Reactions are the ones we are hoping to get. We are open to listen, make note and respect or just pass? In how many ways can the spoken be understood is the same as how many ways can the nonverbal be understood? What are the things that interest us in a speaker, why is she or he appealing to us and what are the things we pay attention to in anyone? It is safer to blend in, go with flow, try not to irritate. To disagree can be daring nowadays. We must have a personal interest of some kind and we like to think the personal is correct, true and something to guard.

I have always been pointed out that I don’t speak enough which has clearly been a flaw. As a child I barely spoke at all. In terms of speaking, it is interesting to use myself as an example. Pretty girl does not speak, she just looks pretty. That can be a task that is enough. When women and girls speak out their minds, it may come as a shock. Since now I speak whatever I feel best, I also like to provoke and enjoy havoc caused, but it does not mean I would not mean what I say, I just speak my mind without censoring myself. If people’s ways of thinking get disturbed, I am thrilled to see what happens. Silence is a place of an observer, but it also is accepting one’s place and the place is not defined only by you, but you yourself remain evaluated nevertheless. Silence is a place of hiding, of suspicion, that there is something wrong with that person or there is nothing to say. Silence can be taken in many ways, what it means, so why not ask rather than make up something coloured and biased. Silence is appreciated in Finland and it is a weird mix of inability to talk and enjoying silence, not being bothered by it, but still many are. I can be very silent which for many strikes as scary and odd. Talking is the way for us to express ourselves, self-evidently, just like that, bluntly or very considerately. It is a matter of credibility, fun, entertainment, socialising and status, often that clearly is not speaking like it mattered, but as if there are compulsive reasons to produce speech to avoid feelings of emptiness, loneliness and feeling of being left out, for example.. It is not enough that you speak, you have to speak of right, accepted issues in a right accepted way, which when problematic is avoided, can begin to feel like a straitjacket and going round in circles. Why do I have to follow this system and rules of speech and why fear is something one feels.

In a crowd of only men, it is weird to speak as the only woman. You stick out. In a crowd of working class (or not-so-much-educated people), one with education sticks out. It is even worse when you are a woman. What kind of issues concern me, what can I say in the end? Well I avoid the personal and like to concentrate on social and political issues, art and what else is there than the self..Female voice is an interesting one, what comes out of that mouth, what is it worth and what does it tell of a person. Blame there is is an interesting issue to take under microscope, as it exist in a way of a power tool. People like to invent things, analyse, read the person, often wrong. The person who does not take part in conventional manner, disagrees strongly or stays an outsider must be labelled. It is a place of constantly fighting against bias and wrong information. You have not tried enough to claim your place which place is claimed by claiming respect and there are rules. How do we get respect, what do we have to do and what do we have to be like to be worthy? How much respect is worth having in a lookalike world that seeks to be liked? It has always been a wonder to me as respect falls on others and escapes some of us. It is about system of values and changing that system of thinking.

When young, I found it so that my speech was meaningless, because of my age and because of my gender. I didn’t have a voice, I was invisible, but I existed, which is a place for artistry to come out. I found value in being a freak and a language I could speak. Those who do not speak, are stupid is the very often felt judgment, which is weird in a country that values silence. Today in cacophony of talk, those who are silent, seem to be a blessing. Everyone has an opinion and has to voice it. It is a very straightforward method which we call social. Again those who make the most noise are the most noticed and listened to people. My way of staying outside feels natural to me, although it is odd for most people. I have not participated in the ways people usually participate and engage, still I don’t think of myself as anti-social, quite the contrary. Silence is serious and not so much fun…Your fun is not mine either.

In human relations one’s space has to be taken, it is not given. When one is not interested in spaces that exists to be social, one should still try and engage, it sounds like a problem and an effort. Now that I don’t hesitate to speak, I speak of wrong issues and have wrong kind of opinions. Human relations and codes of communication are somewhat interesting, difficult to master, especially jumping to conclusion strikes me. It is so easy, so please try to avoid, if you can. You have to know human way of thinking to use communication skills correctly, that is social, but it is also manipulation. It is about psychology and authenticity, or ability to look like authentic and reliable. It is about learning ways of communicating, the correct ways, knowing how people think and what are one’s own goals, because there are always personal gains. I laugh too loudly, it is a flaw. I shout out when everybody else is quiet, it is weird. I think I like myself. lmfao


This is a test. This is a wound and how it was made. The unhealing of open flesh.

Buxom garbage times a million times the time to get rid of it. 1 million seconds is 11.57 days. How long will you live, can you actually read this, where are you now, how many hours do you work per day, how many steps did you take, what kind of steps? Million, billion, trillion, stuttering fear of expressing oneself clearly, but why be afraid? Fear of what, where does it come from? Hierarchy by machinery: Human The Beast and Need for Love, paradigm of varietas, variety: you have to understand it, see it, accept it and be it.

Buxom garbage times a million times the time to get rid of it.
1 million seconds is 11.57 days. How long will you live, can you actually read this, where are you now, how many hours do you work per day, how far is your place of work, how do you get there?

Length: There are one million millimetres in a kilometre and roughly a million sixteenths of an inch in a mile. A typical car tire might rotate a million times in a 1,200-mile (1,900 km) trip, while the engine would do several times that number of revolutions.
¥ Fingers: If the width of a human finger is 2.2225 cm (7/8 inch), then a million fingers lined up would cover a distance of approximately 22 km (14 mi). If a person walks at a speed of 4 km/h, it would take them approximately five and a half hours to reach the end of the fingers. Physical quantities can also be expressed using the SI prefix mega, when dealing with SI units. For example, 1 megawatt equals 1,000,000 watts.

The meaning of the word “million” is common to the short scale and long scale numbering systems, unlike the larger numbers, which have different names in the two systems.

The million is sometimes used in the English language as a metaphor for a very large number, as in “Never in a million years” and “You’re one in a million”, or a hyperbole, as in “I’ve walked a million miles” and “You’ve asked the million-dollar question”. Wikipedia

Living in the world of numbers, with numbers, with figures, scales, scenarios, tests, tubes, cubes, geometry. In the world of plenty, multitude, richness, bigness, grand being equal to something valuable, our lives are based on measurements and how well we see what is in front of us. To measure something puts it in a place in our rational universe. Gives a meaning and place, tells function or how something works as being as big or as small as it is in a relation to others similar in comparison to difference. We need to find the similar which pleases us, something to relate to and tell what we are not. What is me, what is within me, how do I work, what is the smallest piece of me? What can I do? What can a human being do? To do and think is the measure of me. What can I do, what am I able to learn to make and who tells me what to do, I am able to do. Should I obey? Yes, I’m humble servant to what really is. Why would anybody else define my doings when there is so little understanding of what is and who anyone really is? What kind of hierarchy inhabits around me, puts me in my place, or I think some forces try very hard to. How do I take place of mine and define myself, know myself or think I know myself? What kind of slaves or machines are we (very good ones, very good.). If we live in slavery without probably being alerted, not noticing or caring much about it. Or are we too scared to change the situations of ours. I always wonder what are we scared of. To live in fear, stop for heaven’s sake. What will happen to us if we step outside.

Calculating the possibilities of survival after an atomic attack. Counting my hair. How many cells do I have and isn’t it heavenly I survive without needing to think about them and their action? So this is a difficult task for me to get inside the world of numbers (When did I leave it? Or when was it introduced to me thoroughly?) and maybe understand how the world works or working makes it, makes me possible, makes us as we make it. It has taken me a long time to realise where numbers come from, what are equations, theorems, a language too difficult for many, what it means. History of Mathematics was not thought at school and I didn’t realise the beauty of numbers until now that I understood that Physics and understanding it was so vital of understanding existence. Hah. Everything and everybody by numbers and movement, reactions. Numbers entail order, amount, structure, aristocracy, hierarchy, secrecy and the truth, reality and mystery, mistakes. Those who understand and those who don’t.

The use, to use, utilise, make things happen. What things? Mobilise us, make our lives faster, things in our lives to happen rapidly, information to pass forward, to let know what happens, why and when. Knowledge and how far we drift from it the more we have exposure to it, access to it, what are the things we want to know and things we don’t want to know. What is important to know and what we need to know. There are people who don’t want to hear about the bad, the ugly, the truthful, let’s concentrate on the happy things and have a cup of something. The easiness of not knowing is a kind of relief and stressless state. To turn one’s back to the pile of thrash for example. Someone who has not seen the struggling and the pain will be shocked and someone who has seen those things a lot is used to bad things, expects them to happen. It exists in my world, the bad. Is that how it goes or is it different kind of struggling and pain we all experience being unable to connect, because we either minimise or do not see other people’s struggles or don’t want to get involved? How do you suffer, is your suffering big or small, do you make it known for others or keep it to yourself? What makes it big or small, do you talk about it a lot or not at all? How to measure the amount and intensity of one individual’s pain? What creates pain? Is it the shame of not knowing what it means or just because of hurt? The opposite of pleasure, lack of pleasure or inability to understand pleasure. How much pain can a person take, like when tortured? Sure, ache is different with different reasons. Some take more than others. What causes ache in people’s lives? Why is life so full of pain caused by hurt caused by suckers and motherfuckers? To kill, to murder, we want to see murder to see someone suffer. We want to see suffering to ease our own hurt. To see fear on someone’s face and laugh at it. I’m glad it was not me. To that person who is afraid. Why is causing pain like a machine in us? What is the machinery in us that ticks pain. It is machine-like activity that is fairly easy to guess and calculate. How certain kind of people think and act, in which social level, with whom are you seen with. The rules and hierarchies moving people and their mind tick like clocks. One cannot make a mistake once you know the patterns how. It is dangerous to see through. Unavoidable, inescapable quality of human life, suffering and how people survive and learn. If you suffer you must make the other suffer too. Could you learn away from that feeling and the need to revenge? To let know how one feels inside, a circle that never stops. Revenge, ignorance, selfishness, indifference make people function and create hate, war, famine, death and poverty. It is to blame human nature and it cannot be changed, shit happens? That is how it looks.

How everything happens, everything – saying out loud is tiring, the all and what we know about it what is around us and why it happens as it does. Not a break, not a sigh or time to rest, but observe and know more and think how one changes and absorbs. There is no time to stop. This is to understand what I know or think I know, what there is to know.

This is calculating the possibilities of survival during and after. Probability of survival estimated is like planning a trip to. Asking questions, questioning stupidity, which is thinking of knowing but still not knowing much, but that we are machines. Western heritage is about knowing the truth, what is right, being on the side of facts and what is good. It is the heritage of Christianity and science, history of conquerors and winners. To rule as a white male, a meat-eating hero, the conqueror who says rabbits eat vegetables. Is it to say you are better than the rabbits, it doesn’t show. How you evolve tells how good you are, not what you think you should be, but you make of yourself and stay that way thinking this is the best there is, a state of evolving. Do I have the same goals, the same direction as everybody else? Which strange goal I’m part of, where does it go and what is it, this goal of ours, this conqueror we still desire to be, where do we want to go, this set of systems we have created. I am a living system in the set of systems, we are bunch of systems systematically and without a clue trying to calculate the ways to manage, but not knowing, shooting in the dark still. I am puzzled. Systems that aren’t serving humanity and nature, but destroying them are strong. Softer ways somehow do not easily win. Is it possible to get rid of systems that we have created and build new ones? Dependency on money, vehicles, machines, electricity, food supply, media which make high-speed a value. Could we live without this regime of speed or just have few of them? It is a question of what we want life to be. How we want to live it. Fast, hedonist, proud, ambitious. Do we have to give up everything of that wealth we have made to save ourselves and others. What do we essentially need? What are human needs? Is it speed?