Sex is everything, everything is sex.

I’m thinking how to begin.. mum, I’m a lesbian. She will choke on her coffee and start laughing, cough and cough and look at me with wtf on her face, now this of all the things. How fucking weird are you? I know this or she will be like aha, and then I will start laughing and it will be all good.., and then she will ask do I have a girlfriend. I would say aha yes, she is ten years older than I am. Another choke. She will ask if I am taking my medication. About sex she would not dare to ask, I think. She would have to sleep on it. And then she’ll go and tell her friends that she has a lesbian daughter. There will be a silence, nobody would not know what to say. Hypothetically of course. Just creating an image in my mind what would happen if, you know. Though I might want to give horror to my mother just for fun. Like Merry Christmas Mother.
It is something that needs to be told to parents and the rest of the family that you are not straight because reproduction concerns family, because this hetero-thing has been in the family for ages. Where did you get this from, a freak. Family is something that is talked about with friends, co-workers, everywhere it is somehow important where you come from. But usually having lived in the same family the secret has been revealed little by little. It is a big issue in life who you love, how you have sex, what kinds of relationships you have, are you normal. I have been trying to understand the importance and part next of kin play in choosing profession, partner, way of living and how much do family decide for you. Question is how much do other people can decide for someone directly and indirectly. It is a guardianship that lasts the rest of one’s life up to a point. It is about self-awareness, obedience, being one’s own person and not someone who other people want you to be, if you can. But other people have quite much demands on you. To fail those demands in many cases means failing as a person. It is a programmed way to behave and think to do as you are asked or commanded to do which heteronormative structure is all about, order, structure, maintaining posture which must be spotless. It is about denial, forbidding odds, swings, mess is what has to be kept hidden. For someone to be gay means all are going to know that there is a freak in the family to which we do not know how to react.


Walking genitalia, it’s a girl!

That we are our parts, especially our sexual organs via which we become sexualized, categorized, labeled adequate or not as it was a natural law and we like animals ready to mate any time, in heat. Sure I’m horny constantly looking for a mate and because I wear miniskirt I’m in for it anywhere anytime, because I am drunk I can be asked for a blowjob at a party in front of everybody (this is sarcasm, a joke, ahahahahah). We either can use that strange revolting reality for our benefit or can not because it is too much to take, too sickening, don’t want to because it may seem secondary to look sexy all the time, smile all the time no matter what. There is so much one can take and understand is fair. For some it is not the most important issue in life to fuck and be fucked. As it happens this desire is just thrown at one’s face, on one’s whole being that this is what you are for, this is what you want too, don’t you. Sexual organ is inside one’s head and it is not turned on by this. The OFF has become so strong that certain types make me nauseating.
When this hyper-sexualized reality of ours is overwhelmingly torturous, monotonous, attacking anywhere every day like it is something we should accept because it is not going away or changing and to get used to something which is abusive is wrong. To oppose it must be done so it hits the core. To use one’s sexuality and body is one way, very effective. What is it that we want to see again? In a manner method truly cuts the thought and anything someone was saying and doing bringing anger or other kinds of reactions. Reactions are very telling. To change reality as we know it is a huge task for the reason of massive overload and brainwash of one truth and the mass of true believers who think are right and are shown what they want. The thought that heteronormative society is absolutely the correct way to have and build society and make human relationships is a default. Strangely because it is the most violent. It is to see people through straight intercourse where women are waiting to be mated and taken, and if they are not there or willing it is something wrong with them, because smiling and making babies is what women must do to appeal and fulfill their meaning, and of course owning things is the same as owning people.
That there are strict codes and rules for people how to be actualized as humans, is violence against all people denying the human right of finding out one’s talents as oneself, denying opportunity and freedom. Now all over the world tendency is anything which is not in the book or is forbidden is out of the order, because it will ruin the whole of society which anywhere is carefully planned and constructed to be something in particular, whether it is to oppress or give opportunity. Who are oppressed and who are given opportunities is the question and other is why. To build society of opportunity for all is difficult to realize and maintain but is not impossible.
Why there are old books that know how people of today must organize their lives? Moral code varies but something repeats everywhere, how women and girls are seen, given chances, treated and what women are in society, what is their role. What people are allowed to do in their lives. That there are people who allow us to do things sounds so distant history, a permission granted, do I have to ask for it, a tragedy is that for example becoming an artist can be a shock to the family, girl wants to go to university because she likes learning and wants to use her talent and she is beaten for it. For a boy encouragement comes in different form than for a girl, though becoming an artist can be a shock whether one is boy or a girl in certain circles. Boys are forced to marry as well, boys are beaten for crying and being too feminine. What life can be and should be is set by moral authorities, ancient traditions, where men versus women dichotomy is always present, how sexes and genders are meant to actualize and exist, co-exist. When one has to struggle as a girl being fitted into something given outside and as a woman struggle still away from constant reality of her sex, sexualization, position, place, normalcy, not to speak of being an artist in such society where ridiculous old-fashioned values and points of views persist to incredible force.

There are those who will use sexuality of others for benefit whatever there is to benefit from sex, a lot obviously. Sexual sides of ours, how many sides are there and who is willing or allowed to explore those yearnings, what can be done to another person and why there is a ban on some things.


Experts on gender and what is sex of anyone.

Body parts, feelings, sensations, sexuality and expectations how these issues and things can be seen and will be tolerated. Dress and behavioral codes into which to grow and be comfortable with, but to grow up to be a woman or a man is a struggle whether you are transgender man or female or not. It is a struggle with beauty standards, measures of manhood and womanhood. Very much those measurements stand on shallow ground and stay the same to the core, are extremely difficult to alter. So who is to say who anyone should be? All of society that relies on traditions, gender roles and how we perceive opposite sex and sex of ours, how we are supposed to express ourselves and can not. What to censor of ourselves because it is too much for others to take. It is totally not a free zone or neutral issue as we know and never will be. To feel compassion for transgender people does not mean all criticism must be wiped out and what a human truly is, who is to decide for anybody in the end is the person in question. To identify with gender and what is needed to belong since we are to belong or to be tossed aside quite brutally when we are too much to take or not enough. Fight is when we do not fit in our bodies, our society rejects us, our family rejects as well the oddity. Those who do not want to live by the policing codes and models given to us shall have a fight.

Am I trying to be objective about transgender people’s cry over their right to choose their sex and gender? Maybe. Though I happen to be of opinion partly it is not one’s decision which sex we are but one can live by the idea of the sex one feels belonging to, and people must be free to do so. To be completely of some gender and stick to that ideal of gender is a social construction and is consciously build. We either believe it or we do not. What does free will have to do with deciding since we are not free and decision is not partly ours? Is it a question of owning one’s body and right to choose nevertheless? Ideal man and woman is an echo of past generations and unwillingness of letting go of those ideals is clear. We should be able to follow a perfect image of a woman or a man, to follow and believe norms for expressing and living gender. To be completely of some sex means to be with DNA, organs and bone structure of either sex thinking there are two naturally. What about desires and needs of women and men how do they differ and what kind of desires and needs do transgender people have in this picture? What is the bodily person in comparison to emotional and chemical person and sex? Does body win and dictate who we are and how we must manifest ourselves? Do transgender people follow traditional gender roles, imitate masculine men and feminine women? You feel you are a woman in a man’s body, nature doing tricks with us. How to live with this equation when the rest of the world does not understand or want a freak? How are transgender people to cope with this task and obvious dilemma which is mostly dilemma for those who have bias and strict views on how women and men are? Society wants us to follow nature although we do not respect nor follow nature in our ways, we disrespect nature still we justify our morals and perspectives into human sex via nature and nature being the ultimate guide to how we should see each other and our part in society.

Sex the body, sex the mind. Gender the fucking complex: how to address and dress who we are inside? Who gets to decide? Gender and sex are a big part of our identity, identity which is partly not up to you to decide, our body and emotions do a lot of deciding which is not rational. When gender is a curse or a blessing? It is difficult to be a standard representative of male or female as there are ideals which we like to imitate, there are models for us what a gender looks like and what do they do in their lives, genders, sexes, boys and girls. Which points of views do we take and what kind of aspects affect how we see female and male, how we feel in our bodies? It is clear many don’t feel good, body is always the wrong kind. Sexuality dominates, hetero sex, male desire wanting female body justifiably. Yes we are not just biological, we are not only natural. To simplify issue of how men and women are is unjustified and simply wrong as it is the complex of all complexes. To simplify is the easy way wanting to ignore complexity and being unable to face something weird nature has made. Our instincts do not, hopefully, dictate over us, but is sexuality which is very much an urge of natural origin, the biology, physiology, body and mind deciding for us? Nature is what we are afraid of. How much does society decide for us concerning gender and to what sex we belong, a lot. Fluidity is not something we can just takeover no matter how trendy it is. It is a shame.

They don’t care if your sensibilities are upset. That’s the point, in fact