Waiting for her to waste away.

Killer, pencil on paper, acrylic on canvas, 2022

It was like I was too loud for just existing without a sound. How do you befriend yourself with this uncontrollable me, who is stared at like a crack on the view of otherwise perfect and harmonious with a promise that soon things will be better. What a waste, what a weird form of human, too asymmetrical to like. How to be the right and not the wrong? Being in the right place, doing the right thing, follow everything people like and do what others like you to do. Easiest way to get accepted. Some people like you to vanish and not be seen, so you hide yourself or change yourself, which is more difficult to do. What is the lure of the opposite then, the evil? For example of people who do the so-called inhumane thing, killing of other people and we wanting to know what resulted her/him to do bad things? How is anything in us inhumane and is our voyeuring of criminals, their acts on TV, just humane and therefore comfortably safe, just what we have always liked doing, being comfortable and safe, us liking the safe distance but still looking, observing, learning maybe? How terrible, how could she? Why didn’t anybody do anything? People getting what they deserve? Some do, some don’t. We have an interesting relationship to death and dying and how punishing should take place. Civilization has developed the civil ways, is that not understood or not working the way people like? Today there is social media punishment for people who tweet wrong things, say wrong things out loud, wrong and right like left and right (still somehow not known what they mean, but good and bad are the chosen poles) defined by feelings, how feelings may be hurt and that is clearly heavy shit, unbearable even, clearly. Cleaning unwanted people away from view doesn’t solve much, because the good may not be that good after all in the long run. Human psychology is still in full view, what can be tolerated and what not and how the intolerable is managed. People who can’t bear fingerprints on kitchen cabinet doors, people who push away unpleasant things until they can’t anymore like too much washing of hands. What can be analysed from images today, how they are cleaned and perfected? I wonder.

For me personally pointing out ‘flaws’ encourages me to do them more or just be inspired by them. It is a reaction. I am repulsed by erasure and how eager people are to notice mistakes and only mistakes. Contempt follows judgment. Always thinking what is the mistake and follow that, why is it a mistake. What must be corrected and what not. In evolution mistakes and flaws are important. Constantly thinking how do I mutate into something else and why, what is evolution and how do my acts result in anything. Do I blend in and why should I.