To play according to rules, rules make value: What are the rules then? Made for what and by whom? Like woman is smaller and therefore can be used for the ends of the bigger? Strangely enough, big does not equal strength necessarily.

Logic is the smaller and more fragile must be abused because you must not strike as civil but powerful. How a young woman is a threat makes one vomit. I have been imposed a huge amount of rules to follow to fulfil what is expected of a woman and girl. Rules are not ambitious, they are to make understandable femininity. The sickening automaton which happens without much thought. Does not require intellect,  though the obedient think so. It is just the thing of my dangerousness and power of the small: the logics is that woman is the one who causes hurt and is flawed. It does not matter what she feels or what happens to her. She is a servant not the boss. Her power is not understood. Her hurt is irrelevant because she is dangerous with what she has got and what can happen by her. She can disturb and turn something stagnant upside down and therefore must be punished before hand.

Gazing is one punishment. The other is the place where one must stand, bend over and do what women do. What happens to her is deserved. Watching, looking, gazing, monitoring always have meaning, one can think what are the results (authority) and gained prizes (power). It is a train of ugly thoughts which show on you without you knowing it. Immediate, a thing of imagination or lack thereof, a cultural loop which happens without thinking what happens there and what you are doing. The justification is something which belongs to traditions and thinking where sexes are valued very differently and this is seen justified just because. What is the intelligent part? The powerful do not have to question themselves. Why such laziness is allowed? When you have reached a point in hierarchy you can stop evaluating yourself?

What is there to protect when she is not the one who needs protection? This objectification happens in an instant. She appears and what she represents is sex. It can’t be talked about, addressed in other ways than looking. Gazes go from head to toe and from each other who is looking with you, and she is the intruder although she is being invaded and intruded. There is no logic obviously when she is the uncivil and a kind of empty. The only meaning she has within is her gender, sex and meanings of those are finished and set, settled and reasoned.

To be under monitoring and constant observing as if I was a specimen, an oddity, scary known/unknown especially in the manner of someone disturbing a ‘peaceful’ unchangeable and solid something, something good, valuable and worthy, almost holy. To look at holding power of a group is to ridicule and make feel small. To be something to watch out for is a delicious position nevertheless if there is room for choice: choosing how to use this position. The thought is that one should be careful for the exact reason that one is talked about in all possible ways but mostly in negative sense. The negative is interesting and what does it do. Who creates it, why and what does it mean? I will have a reputation which affects my life in different kinds of ways. I have been made feel inadequate and my worth is in how I look like physically, mainly, and how I maintain that appealing look, but also inadequacy is in the eyes of those who use judgement as a power tool. They consider themselves as big and the one who is under microscope is small. What do they see is very biased, a cultural ill.

Could it be said that within conservative communities, people and scenes change very slowly because they think they have found the perfect form of existing and thinking and it is called civilised. They are more than. They are unable to change because they are so high and deserving of this place. They can talk about progress, equality, Marxism and kindness behind which they can hide. To change actually takes such effort it seems too radical and a loss. To live up to good ideals may not truly be exactly that.

Civilised is a curious idea. It follows a codebook and makes us do things in similar ways, realise our lives according to something which is to give impressions. Acceptance within community is mark of civilised. To bend the rules of civilised is allowed for members who are the most respected, wealthy, high in hierarchy. Men are allowed to bend the rules of civil more than women to whom such rules apply making prospects narrow and experimenting more dangerous, always out of the ordinary. According to experience and to what is plain in sight: those limits and rules are fairly easy to test. Reactions are violent. Hypocrisy is that sexes are made to act by, differently but in repeat. For women doing what men do is often out of the question. To be damaged, fallen and discarded happen for women just like that.