Remote to where you are standing.

Interesting dilemma of where we are and in what kind of relation our position is to our existence, what our breathing and living in a place means to us and to a place. Geography either impresses or feels like a nuisance and a turn off. A wasteland, a desert, city of millions of people, an island what kind of interest do we have to a place often is self-interest, a place that means something to us. A meaningful place has a story, history (there is not a place that would not be investigated, named, found, made to state human interest). What is a place of interest for a person is what that person wants and how life of that person connects with places. Also in art places are important. We are not without place, we cannot be without connection to a place, to places usually in plural. Art is situated, placed, set and artists are based living and working somewhere and it is mentioned to help situate the artist to a scene and mindset. What kind of impact a place has on a person, her/his work and what is thought of that person as an artist in a place and outside a place is play of imagery and imagination, system of values, something almost impossible to change. Connotations, images in mind, assumptions, dreams and knowledge true or false create an interest. It is assumed it is more interesting career-wise to have an exhibition in a certain place for certain kind of crowd to see it. Exhibition has to be written about for it to have a life. Art usually has to be experienced by people, seen and talked about, big is more visible than small but silence is scary and loud.

Size, heavy or light, and position, a place near or far where should we go and what to do there? What makes an interesting story, what makes a valuable place?

beauty of a fence

RuPaul teaches how to be a drag Queen. Nothing to add.

 

to feel

To feel bad for aa, feel compassionate and say aaa, there there
to feel as a and see as a, how must a feel
to feel unaffected when aa didn’t appear in the morning to have coffee
to feel ignored by a punch of A’s
to feel as if A was not listening, a silent aaaa
to feel like saying aaa and then again aaa and sit down to sigh, to puff

Wednesday 5.8. balcony, row three seat 51. It was the only seat left empty in the middle of all people. I’m sorry I would like to go there.

Where is it? Up there, tells a woman on whose seat I am sitting at the moment. With a sigh and feeling of frustration, feeling of awkwardness, stupidity and need of getting on without error in these arrangements to enjoy the show. Sitting on a seat that is reserved for me as I paid for it. It is my space. With complete feeling of surprise as I was listening to music in the mean time. I get up and they are frustrated, so easily as there are many things that can go wrong and they usually will. How an incorrect way can be disturbing as we are not tolerating mistakes, pauses, waiting, a moment gone terribly wrong because of this stupid woman. Something so little and repairable, my mistake, so sorry.

You have got one minute to find your seat. Hope you will get there on time, hope you won’t disturb others, hope nothing else will happen on your way that would be as disturbing as me having to meet a total stranger invading my space.

 

Logic is difficult to find therefore feeling of lost is a continuous emotional vacuum.

To me there is no such thing as self-evident, everything or anything must be questioned. To question oneself can be state of unworthiness or it can be a very healthy road to explore oneself and grow as a person. Depends how one does the questioning, in what kind of position one places oneself. Few absolutes exist, yes, but what comes to people and their behavior there is always room for questioning and analysis. It is not a certainty that sun rises every morning. Maybe night just continues and there will be no light anymore. We are left in the dark and cold on a planet we think is for us. When it happens we scream and feel desperate. We are in shock over something that should have not happened. It is peculiar and odd to find out on daily basis how 100% sure most people are of their own absolute righteousness, that their arrogance is justified as they are perfectly doing what they are here to do, which often seems to be to have fun and mock. Dilemma for me in this perspective is how fun is defined and how blindly self is perceived, how things and people are not questioned but taken for granted, accepted or discarded. How what we are supposed to do and we do because we are supposed to do it get rarely seriously jeopardized by refusal and demanding for answers. To say no is boring, to withdraw is sick. It is far too easy and acceptable to belong to a group as a group of similar minded is secure and safe to be in. Are we ok in this group, is it the group where we belong to, do you do what your group expects you to do, or are you doing what you want to do?

It is much too obvious that be part is what we all want, that to be part of a monotonous group mimicking a cultural icon and way of life is what we should have and why shouldn’t we. Grouping is to leave something out, game of success and being popular is a norm as it is normal good seen as luxury, loud privileged ones owning the space do their all to get what they want. Egocentric self-adoration where is little room for anything else is also a norm. There is very little room for understanding and learning. If there is a lesson learning happens through accidents when something bad happens. (You didn’t mean it but you did it anyway) Something bad that was not supposed to happen because things are imagined to be under control in the light of the privileged and young as they own their luck and good fortune, their friends and their space. They cannot be questioned, they are not humble enough to think there would be anything wrong they do. Their privilege is their rebellion in a world of shit.

Condition of arrogance and negligence is seen as perfect way to live like there is no tomorrow and people take care of themselves, they work out and choose their clothing. What happens tomorrow, will anybody like me, be interested in me tomorrow? This insecurity is a big part of being a girl and being a woman in overly sexual world where male pleasure is what women are for. To like a woman is to like to look at her and have sex with her, present her to buddies. Most preferably men are to have many women, a line of women and woman to have sex with a line of men who take her. In a way those entities get trophies they need to be successful and looked up. Position of a star in a sea of flesh, abundance of meat is all you can eat and more. It is about greed, openly horny attitude finding ecstasy via indifference and danger. Only things that matter are appearance and wealth, holes and fillings, filling a vacuum which is there all the time. A silence that cannot be tolerated, a self that has to be molded to fit.

When we are scared to have authority over lives of our own and think for ourselves, we run down the cliff as it is fun in a group.

To become part of gender and sex-oriented society

Sign is there between the legs, a message to people how child should be brought up. What would happen if it didn’t mean that much, that sex wouldn’t dictate how we are perceived and how we should be? Saying earlier that to be a girl is a full on crisis is exactly it, how to grow and adjust to the environment when to adjust is the most wrong thing there could be and do. Adjust and accept because one must. Firstly is the issue of where you live and what kind of atmosphere you are born to, what does your environment tell you, makes of you, lets you be, how you will end up knowing who you are and what will you be, what you should be and who to believe, what to be scared of and what life is worth, your life. To having accepted how to live when does the fun end if we are having fun in the first place.

To be an individual can be tricky. What does it even mean anymore. Young men and women on the video below which is an intro to the movie Spring Breakers 2012 by Harmoni Korine is truthful to reality of college students in the US. Both sexes are exercising roles that are heterosexual and oppressive, roles that are to be followed by students as fun but strict and fitting the idea of letting go and being young in a certain way. Equaling reckless behavior to fun where women are exposing themselves as willing pornographic wild sexual partners on beach with alcohol and drugs. Camera angles tell the story of where to look. Women line up in front of men to play blow jobs with open mouths in which men pour drinks from cans, cans posing penises. All happens on the beach, bright color swimsuits and ads, ecstatic faces and young people who want to go out of control and to be seen as such. Men are more of spectators and users of goods which women gladly offer since it is fun and there are many women instead of one. Grouping is essential of this fun, group dynamic, collective awareness of what is happening and what to do. Who will be wildest and sexiest. Do men expose themselves, do they get drinks on them like it was sperm? This scene is a collective dance of spring, ancient as it is unacceptable and blown out of proportion. Pornographic imagery is very clear as is influence of music videos. All bodies are trained to perform this act. What happens really is shaming and objectifying of women. Women willingly play cattle to be slaughtered and enjoyed, enjoyed and slaughtered. It is suicidal, destructive and dangerous, but that is obviously what they seek, what turns them on. It is one way of seeing student life and a break from studying.

http://time.com/3984218/joyce-carol-oates-marilyn-monroe/“How could such a beautiful, successful and famous young woman kill herself?””

 

What kind of ground do I have to listen heavy metal, to write about it, to identify with it?

Again a stage for men which interests me and it has not been strange to me until I hear it is strange for a girl to listen to and like music of noise and anger. When I begin to think things I like the stages are invaded by men traditionally. I really don’t have much respect for traditions especially not for people of traditions who are prejudiced against women doing what they wish, for those who think women doing something traditionally male dominated craft are in the wrong place.

Wanted to start writing about my musical inspirations and idols. I find it demanding to begin since I do not have any other ground for music than that of a listener who experiences music and likes to listen a vast variety from contemporary to pop and disco, from classical to thrash metal. I don’t want to make walls between musical genres and ways of saying and doing. To me they mostly come from same kinds of desires to express and create. There are of course those who truly push the boundaries and those who don’t know how. Poetry and music were the first art forms which spoke to me and I started to think could I do the same.

Soulfly, Heavy metal speaks to me Heavy metal madness

To me there is nothing strange about it. Metal music addresses issues that are close to my persona, my interests, my heart and human existence as puzzling and never-ending creative and destructive force. Fears, hate, difficulty of living and existing in a contradictory world made by liars, warring, arms dealers, bankers, dirty politics, gender divisions etc. Heavy metal is strongly a Western music genre, at least very little of metal music from continents of Africa and Asia hit our consciousness, although definitely punk and metal are a world-wide phenomena and in world-wide use, one way or the other. Ways of saying, liking and making music differ much of course as we are very musical creatures. What would not be music. Music is in our blood. Interesting is how we become to like something particular, which things affect our liking, how do we grow to listen and make music. How music speaks to us on multiple levels and what kind of music does the speaking that hit the deepest and starts a snowball effect of human intellectual and artistic development. Skill is emphasized and it is important to pay attention to that metal music is born out of extraordinary talent, musical innovation, originality, out of marginal, that does, because it has to, which brings in the mind-blowing charm and energy of the scene.

Liking heavy metal is considered a manly case. Heavy Metaller is much of a stereotyped image that everybody recognizes. There is a distinct manly way of expressing by attacking that is prohibited from women, expression that appeals to me. Striking. The use of one’s voice by shouting violently, incoherently loud, fast and with massive force is part of heavy metals attractiveness, repulsiveness, heaviness and impact. It either sucks one in or makes a strong rejection. Metal is taking use of voice and noise to the limits of human endurance just as opera and can be just as theatrical. Experimenting one’s limits with as much energy as possible, as much as one has got. Lyrics attacking the society and hypocrites, class, tradition and conformity. Use of ultimate noise production is a provocation and a necessity, show off of ones strength and fury, making a distinct gap and tear between traditional, security comfort seeking mass, who do not wish to think for themselves, who wish to take the easy way. Metal is to wake those who sleep up and inspire to feel all emotional scales there may be. Metal is a social movement of rage, youth, hate and riot via music. Innovation and creating personal way of expressing anger, frustration, contempt and hate. Heavy metal is making constant revolution through noise and individual running free experience, but one can stay put in that thought rebellion as well, reject new. Disturbance interacting with the audience, performers themselves. The listener who can take part in freedom of making noise and being one rioting mind. Metal is an emotional community, who share the similar negative feelings mixing into a mass of aggression, which movement is cathartic and rejuvenating at best. At its worst it can be the opposite. To me it is a purification cult, steamy shower of human anger, a steamy act of ear fuck. Heavy metal way of living is expressing all there is to give within a certain masculine frame. So maybe all is too much to say. To me metal is to embrace individual decision-making and do an opposite of what society expects, choosing, resisting and refusing one-fit-for-all-model of civilized society and cherishing the dark side of humanity as creative force. Dark of human mind is also feminine and that feminine has masculine sides in her. For me metal is firstly pacifist, revolutionary, liberating, poetic and energetic form of art of noise.

Music genres make tribes separating different ideologies, groups of people, making stereotypes, separating sexes, music is heavily about feelings and emotional expressions, dancing, jumping, diving, shouting thoughts, some thoughts more valid than others, but shouting them anyway. Tribes disliking and looking down on each other, fighting and avoiding contact like avoiding disease and belonging to a wrong kind of group. Punks and heavy metallers have a history of hating each others’ music and each other as opposites, which I have found strange since they do come from a very similar mind-set of rebellion. Messages and ways of doing can be very similar. They tend to behave like they were two different kinds of nights, stormy and less stormy, edgy and edgier or a cyclone and a hurricane, Finn and Swede. Those who do not understand shut something worth while outside their comprehension out of prejudice. Testosterone, chauvinism and weird show off of masculinity tend to chase away those who love disco. Heavy metal can be a very straight world, although it itself is a multitude of ways of expressing. Is it straight forward or backwards going but strength of physical signifies going somewhere, probably and hopefully into the unknown drilling inside all ears. Fairies do not fit this kind of masculinity as they rarely do in something that has a working class background, for some reason feminine is the receiving one to be penetrated, at least that is the appearance of metal music and also punk. Men roar and women adore. Too much femininity is out, as is any kind of softness. Something to work with perhaps. Melancholy and dreaming yes, but no girliness, references to children and childhood are allowed as growing pains are in the essence of raging music. Maybe we should ban girliness and expectations of what a girl can be in an environment that is black with death, hell and diabolic images.

Expressing one’s masculinity in a way of a bull, which with very animal-like rage can seem repulsive, hateful and one-sided. Sexuality cannot be set aside what comes to music. Penises of herd of bulls are having hard-ons and liking it. Rage is an accepted and unaccepted way to exist. Music has been an important part of courting, bringing attention to oneself and testing the other if we like the same kind of music, are we compatible. Reasons why music has such a big part in human existence is immensely interestingly biological. It is as if we breathe music and certainly we live music. Noise is more or less always in the background. Main purpose is to please us, make us feel joy and share our feelings and thoughts. Heavy metal is the music of warriors and soldiers, of men who have a mission, who testify, who shut you the fuck up and make you listen. Does music make us do and make? Definitely. (Not a bad ideal for young girls to be able to shout and scream, manifest anger.) Thematic in metal often go around war, death, solitary struggle, torture, revolution, social injustice, sex, fantasy, any kind of drama and queer a person might face, any tragedy humanly possible and impossible. Use of fantasy in lyrics and wardrobe bring storyteller quality creating battle mentality and depicting desperado lifestyle as ideal way of living. Men and boys who are on voyage of finding and hitting back, making. It is much about heroics of man, men as a group making something solid and men as a crowd accepting this tale, identifying, being part of the story. Making story of themselves as heroes and capable individuals. It is a case of empowerment and taking over.

End of the world, man-made destruction that seems inevitable, a needed destruction of corrupt society are topics that fit metal music organically. Protest begins with drums, when one begins to sing without need to please the ear, but tear something apart. Destruction of melody, tradition, order and harmony, making new harmony and melody that hurt and invade, not as we have learned to know sounds as likable and friendly. Metal has turned liking into something new, a riot, taking space over. What is there to like anyway, peace and quiet of a suburb? It is not adequate to like metal, it is not adequate to like anything. Adequate is not enough a word. Adequate is to join the protest. Metal is made to resist and metalmen protest with all that there is to give via voice, instruments, manly energy, skill and spiritual force, rough appearance and self-made message. Metal is not without god and not without the devil as we all know, as is not the world without those entities. Evil that men do is still the worst there is. World is filled with devil and talk over god, but men are very godless in their actions. Full of fear, loss, crime, death and hypocrisy, full of shit. Full of liars, traitors, wars, powerlessness, injustice and famine. Men have shown their fear of the different with all kinds of crusades, bans and biases.

To talk about heavy metal as one entity is of course false, because it has huge variety of categories to choose from. It cannot be judged as easily as people tend to do. Interesting is the complexity of masculinity, appearances, maneuvers on stage and playing in personal way manifest power taken over, identity claimed and stated. Which is what people who make this kind of music have to say, manifest unity in pure anger and originality. To seek to find in music, ourselves, our place, humanity and originality.

http://noisey.vice.com/blog/why-do-songs-by-female-pop-stars-always-need-to-have-a-feminist-message?utm_source=noiseytwitterus ” Reducing the dialogue around all our biggest female artists to what they mean for feminism is limiting – we should allow female artists the space and agency to be creative without subscribing them to a set of rules that male artists are still largely exempt from.”

http://elitedaily.com/women/girls-cut-hair-cut-off-more/1039658/ 

Why Girls Who Cut Their Hair Are Actually Cutting Off So Much More

And liberating it was.

 

Monster tan

Definition of doing, how small, how much and what. Moving.
Always under surveillance, under looking-glass,
cyclist passing by with a cheer and a hat, peeping non-sleeper enjoying little light through narrow slits, time when everything sounds loud. You breathe like a horn was blown and buffed to call something. Options for solitude and thoughts of all kinds, scales of absurd and trauma to your left shoulder and over, tissue damage visible cut over a cut.

Women who are dirty. Women who between their legs are dirty, they are ashamed and shamed, should be washed. Skin is dirty, armpits smell, hair is clumpy unwashed. Weed of deep-sea traveled to the feet still smelling of that salt and water, of that depth of unknown and scare, swoosh hoist her to look at her in the light. In the of day miss dUMbBum scared eyes in the light diagnosis of day set her.

My body does revolution

Define a nice body, the nicest body, say you have a nice body. Why do we constantly look at our bodies? Bodies of others? Bodies, booties, chests, breasts, hips, thighs, elbows, faces, hair.
Tell me is it your body the one you are in, is it the nicest one you could have? The one you are in, you inhabit, the one you look at, the one you look faults from, compare, torment.
Is it a body you wish you had?
How will you have a body of dreams of this culture of body, such a body?
What kind of body your body is?
How will your body evolve to be the one you’d like? What will you have to do?
What kind of effort does a body need? What does body need? Bodies that have needs or minds who need bodies?
How to enjoy body, why are bodies to be enjoyed firstly? What is the culture of hedonism, vanity and lust that craves nice bodies?