I should have solved my rage already but I haven’t. It has proven to be the unsolvable, useful and lasting as an enforcing part of my mind and I accept it as a mess. I have come to some terms with it in a way that I do not prevent it from showing itself as much as I used to. I know it is in the way and between me and the canned civilized world and that girls are taught not to show their rage, not to be bad as the negative, aggression self-evidently is. Anger and it’s mercilessness is much an unused and given too little respect. The directness thrills me, force of anger and all kinds of verbs to help the imagining plus profanities that are in anger. Doing and saying things that are not allowed like they didn’t exist. Saying aloud the descriptive, the amount of the feeling, a hidden secret and the mountain of inner strength one can have, what power that is. Pulling my hair myself one might think and liking it, making things difficult when they could be easy. It is like the line in a movie where girl called Liz says “you should be running…” You know the movie? It is the girl who can light herself in flames. Of course she is in a mental institution for her and everybody else’s good.

If rage was an object that could be removed from inside of me and put on a shelf for me to feel everything could be done without it, that I would not feel enraged but so calm like everything was fine. Parts of me placed on shelves in my home. It is as the society that does not want me as I am but the little bits of me as long as they stay likable and only partly visible. In a way things and I stay unsolved to all and for some reason that is the good way.
And to do with it, to do away with it is to become better. It is an illness in a society that relies on people staying calm, denying the negative, cocooning rage, not showing how we in part feel. I cannot stay that way. Impossible.

The word may have lost something to my ear. It is not exactly the perfect interpretation of reality, not the precise term for the mass of my destructive self, the all of it and the massiveness it feels like. Not what I experience as me. Aggression is probably more close. We should be healed from it? We are scared of aggressive emotions. It is unpredictable how angry people behave and react.  What such feelings make us do can be only the inevitable. we are taught to learn to take other people’s fears into consideration, the panic which we want to avoid but constantly live in. In a world where mere screaming is too much to take is paranoid. It is strange to say to be enraged in a panicky world, waiting to explode.