You do not have power

You do not have power

I am nothing.
I have nothing.
I come from nothing.
I know nothing.
I was born yesterday.
Tomorrow I will be born yesterday.
This is something I struggle to understand.
I am defined by others.
I can’t define myself. 
I do not understand. 
I am so young.
I am so silent.
Wet behind my ears, naked in front of everybody, puzzled.
Reason for my existence is this:
act childlike, be helpless, speak with soft voice, smile, be kind.
Don’t have lots of sex with men, don’t think you can have lots of sex with men, but be willing. Don’t show your pain, don’t talk about your pain. Tell what has happened to you, don’t tell what has happened to you. Don’t wander around, don’t look for knowledge, don’t think you have got talent, don’t think you are special, don’t think you are rational.

What is a proper laughter for women? Hold your hand in front of your mouth? Be timid. Women shouldn’t laugh loudly like hyenas, like monkeys, like donkeys even though they are subhuman. Don’t look untended, don’t look unfinished even though you are unfinished. Don’t lift heavy objects, don’t do dirty work, don’t do men’s work, you are not capable. Don’t wear revealing clothing, but be naked, because you are, we see you. Don’t be better than men, keep your composure, keep calm, keep the look, keep smiling. Don’t speak up, don’t speak out. Don’t speak against, don’t contradict. Don’t show long face, don’t show discontent, don’t complain, criticize, but not too much, we don’t want to hear it. Don’t swear, don’t act manly, don’t walk manly, don’t sit manly. Don’t get drunk. Don’t be humorless, don’t be uptight, don’t disagree, don’t be a bitch. Don’t think you have power.

shewasdrunk

Bunnies

Women and swearing

To swallow a load.

Little upset are we

Sounds of Africa

Reasons for emotional coldness

To become nothing but a grin. To become an army of grins, to form accurate geometrical patterns in grin air on face, grinning, to stretch your face in a way it satisfies those who grin back at you and expect you to be grinning the same, the same, so that we would not be any different but the same in mutual understanding, and there would not be fear nor doubt, but all grinning the same exact similarity of smiling in which we can sigh in relief between our teeth of not needing to do anything more. Because there is not anything more as long as my face will do and it will do as I wish it to match the everlasting grin.

tits and thunder, thunder and tits

It is like God’s piss on my face, one cannot avoid it. It is like stuttering, to to to trtry to speak, but not being able to to and cannot help myself. Fear of being present, one have to overcome by overdoing, like shamming even more, make a real fool out of myself, a clown and an idiot, because you are not able to be yourself. So I’ll be sure the reaction will be negative and I will be in the dirt as a whole. Down and under dragging myself forward.

I was quiet. Didn’t speak, I was quiet, did not speak, they say I was quiet and they wondered why. It was clear to me, there was no one who wanted to hear me. I had nothing interesting to say. Interesting is something I don’t know what. Price of timber, apartment bought, new car, family vacation, what? That is the reason, there was no reason to say anything. Speak my dear so we can hear what you are thinking, because otherwise we might think you do not think at all.

I know that. I know that. This. I become to exist through verbal expression, through my gender, female quality, which is stated by what has been before and stamped upon me, because it is what is between my legs and on my chest, on my head and how I walk. I have a female voice, female hands and legs, female fat and female thoughts, things that go around about my body. What do I see? My hair and color. There are stony barriers to climb over and they, men, might stare at my ass as I climb. It takes a lot of cock to do manly things like climbing. I do it with my skirt up my ears (imagined).

What do I see? A folded paper with numbers on it. Six and four. Didn’t see what else was there underneath the foldings. Bent and wrapped, Q hat, on the floor. Too tiny though.