I’m going to learn to sleep sitting down at stations, wake up when someone approaches, touches, breathes, looks towards me. Sleep in a flight, work in the night under a newspaper. I will not be afraid. I will be a document of strength, of survival. Sleeping and waking up, walking and looking, sleeping under a tree, passersby gaze, maybe fear. Becoming the environment, giving up my comfortable bed, my isolated room, safety, quiet space for only me. Exposing myself to danger, disorder and death, but also harmony, beauty and life. There is a lot to live for, lot to see and experience, but is that to be experienced?
Get down on your fucking knees! The claim that the world is changing incredibly fast. What is the speed a bullet has? You won’t feel it once it hits your head. World of agony is too much to take. Don’t speak it out just hear the bang. That is what we do not tolerate truth about ourselves. Our deeds, our need to enslave, to humiliate, things we do not take if they are not for granted. Preserving prejudice and privilege as something innocent playing as contrast to our cruelty as a value to sell and be covered by. It is the truth we should like but we kill it, because it is not enough. We don’t get ahead fast enough honestly. It even sounds too little, too bold to be alive. The one who speaks the truth and is not believed because it is too much to take.
Get down on your fucking knees! This command is about power used, power liked and loved, power of ruining innocence of someone, ruining possibilities of someone for a life. This gun is an accusation and it is pointed at you. It is my emotional response for you questioning me, for you to obey me. It is my belief my religion my faith and reassuring my righteousness. Me holding my truth, my path in my hand: Get down on your fucking knees! Now! Bow your head, feel my weapon on you, how cold it is against your skin, against your fear, against your life. Where are you when you are there afraid, in the dirt, below me breathing. Me above you looking at you with anger, looking at you like you were nothing, not even a human. Me with possibility and desire of pulling the trigger, click. It takes one click.
Gully cradles none A place of lonely struggle one might think. One can learn how to picture it. How one stands, what is there, the treasure to be found. Is solitude accepted, how far is it my own and a struggle, a part that belongs to everybody. And when the fight ends, it is not in death, but in understanding what one can do and become.
Everything is irritatingly misplaced. Two old ladies talking behind me in the bus about weather. How it is so warm today, how little green things are appearing, tulips and things like that. Aroma of something burned but I felt empathy and warmth in their worn out fragile voices which I liked. I felt sun through the glass. Mig.groc. and chewable tablets reads on the side of something.
Color is black. What is with your hair? Eat hamburgers and drink beer like ordinary people. How ordinary..Death by drunken asphyxiation, death by misadventure, death by boredom, death by Split Beaver. Well, I never. Setting these fucking pyro things at seven gates of Hell. We were rehearsing because of red clouds of smoke. Writing Satan’s love songs to have a breakthrough, we were really screwed. Women wanted to do certain things with us which had never happened before. No rest for the wicked. Characters immortalized in denim and leather. Man who is a lie will not do. It was the metallers who were having to look elsewhere to find anything heavy.
You do not have power I am nothing. I have nothing. I come from nothing. I know nothing. I was born yesterday. Tomorrow I will be born yesterday. This is something I struggle to understand. I am defined by others. I can’t define myself. I do not understand. I am so young. I am so silent. Wet behind my ears, naked in front of everybody, puzzled. Reason for my existence is this: act childlike, be helpless, speak with soft voice, smile, be kind. Don’t have lots of sex with men, don’t think you can have lots of sex with men, but be willing. Don’t show your pain, don’t talk about your pain. Tell what has happened to you, don’t tell what has happened to you. Don’t wander around, don’t look for knowledge, don’t think you have got talent, don’t think you are special, don’t think you are rational.
What is a proper laughter for women? Hold your hand in front of your mouth? Be timid. Women shouldn’t laugh loudly like hyenas, like monkeys, like donkeys even though they are subhuman. Don’t look untended, don’t look unfinished even though you are unfinished. Don’t lift heavy objects, don’t do dirty work, don’t do men’s work, you are not capable. Don’t wear revealing clothing, but be naked, because you are, we see you.
Don’t be better than men, keep your composure, keep calm, keep the look, keep smiling. Don’t speak up, don’t speak out. Don’t speak against, don’t contradict. Don’t show long face, don’t show discontent, don’t complain, criticize, but not too much, we don’t want to hear it. Don’t swear, don’t act manly, don’t walk manly, don’t sit manly. Don’t get drunk. Don’t be humorless, don’t be uptight, don’t disagree, don’t be a bitch. Don’t think you have power.
Majakollektiivi Timanttimetsä 