I tell you my personal point of view so there is no need to speculate how I see myself: The very personal issue of all to all is how to be accepted and stay accepted. How does it happen, what do I have to do and be like to be accepted. As an idea it is the basic human problem, relevant, important and at the same time very unnecessary as there is the constant message in the air that we are to be accepted as we are, loved as such, especially children who are what they are without much possibility and need to be something else. Children do not fake themselves, act phony unless there is a punishment, judgment, shadow, fear etc. telling to do otherwise than what they do. They learn to fake it when it becomes clear they are not what they are supposed to be, they are not doing what they are expected to do. This has been the core issue in my life. There has always been talk around me about me, which talk is not meant for me to know. I have been aware and observing as artists and children do… So I am being analysed by others to others but not analysed to me or asked how I see things. I am left out for whatever reason. Something wrong about me has been defined and has been made a story. Good things do not make such a good story, right? It is not good to talk what is good? That there is idea that there is nothing wrong with the environment or people, but the error and flaw is in me because I am different. Issue of gossip and talk has been there all my life without me, still, somehow never stopping. I am there but I am not there. I am scary and I have to be scared. This is sad history and has made me feel inadequate and really puzzled about how am I supposed be, which has made me work even harder. I somehow do not exist and exist at the same time. So you understand that I really don’t understand how to be in the world of people. If you get what I mean.

It is no wonder I was lost and still am. State of lost and loss has become my tools and topic, good thing and bad, good and evil. I juggle and experiment. I provoke with my mere existence as is evident, now I enjoy the provocation and know how to create from and with it, to identify with obscure and weird and what is odd exactly. It does not take much to seem crazy and out of balance, become scared and build a bubble. I take the provocation as far as I can to see what happens. People make things happen. Very small tiny things move them, move their lips, make them talk. It is easy to say I am cynical. I see myself as having an organic part in a human game and as a researcher, what else could I do? If I give you information why do you share it, what are your motives for that? And what have been the motives to gossip behind my back all a long? How am I the cynical one here one can ask. I just study you. I know myself. It is healthy to learn to know thyself. It is called growing. To seek flaws in me is the same old same old as is the not giving me any credit for my exceptional talent, which is obvious and oh so demanding. Does it have something to do with my gender??

There is and has been a great chance for me to get badly hurt, but I am already all the time in a state of hurt, which is like built-in me, so it does not make much effort to take the hurt further and further little by little and see how much hurt people are willing to make. I have learned to place hurt and everyday reality to their places, into perspective of research and art. What hurts me, probably would kill you. Most it hurts to see how little people change and what kind of things make them talk. It is what makes the world go round. That is the sad part. As I test my limits it means I make progress. Pain and work are parts of that personal progress. So if I as an artist and human being begin to be accepted as such, it will be the most strange place I could be. One becomes used to of not being accepted. Contempt, suspicion, rejection, humiliation and hate are parts of that world. To understand me it is good to understand where I come from. It is a very different place and view-point. To think my world is unharmed, pink and naive is unbelievably naive.

Please begin to explore your minds, if you haven’t started yet. Let the healing begin. There is a saying of better late than never. In the case of making gossip better it is never. Oh what a contradiction. To see yourself as you are can be a good thing. To like yourself..one has to live a kind of life one wants, be the kind of person one likes.