children

Sadism as a cultural necessity. Hurt and death solving human problematic eventually end up solving nothing.

| Henna Timanttimetsä
My claim is we live with and via violence which has biological and system-based grounds and reasons, violence which is rooted in our culture, in our body and there isn’t much we can do to remove the desire to see violence and be violent. Much is due to how we are brought up, where we live, what we have experienced, how we see our ways of solving our way ahead, what other people mean to us and how other people can be treated. What does it mean to be a human, a man and a woman. What kind of stand point we take to violence and what kind of things can be solved with hurt. Simply what do we see as hurtful and do we see hurt as part of everyday. To me it has been revealed as something many do not notice in their behavior and they see as justified action. The justified violence which is hidden behind good, cute and acceptable.
Violence that is a needed method to express when other methods are ineffective, used when other ways of living and solving are seen as naive is the normal, hidden violence is just as normal. Violence is a way to say my body and mind are powerful and you should be afraid of me. To rule with fear is a nonstop easy, a way to directly solve difficult human mess where digging deep is time-consuming and takes much work, mental effort, mental and spiritual growth. One example is the traditional way of finding honor in killing, via taking a life something is cleaned, purified and solved, ended. I have been wondering do those who commit honour killing mourn those who they have killed? Is it a victory to hunt and slaughter someone who has brought shame? How is this victory celebrated when name is cleaned and how clean do these people feel themselves?
Sadism is in details, in how we face or do not that other human being. It can be happening unknowingly without thinking following something that feels right at the time. Afterwards you can ask why did you do that and you do not find an answer other than it was fun, it was just a joke, I felt like doing so, I didn’t like her.. Answers usually are based on emotional feedback, on a whim, on a righteous arrogant idea of being on right path, emotional reward one’s body is feeding, situations when our minds are not reasoning us to behave otherwise. Sadism also follows grouping and an example, desire we maybe can’t explain. We become accustomed to it, it brings us joy of being above someone we consider pathetic and weak. Our need to measure weakness and strength is very much traditional in our cultural heritage, which is difficult to fight back. It is difficult to be nonviolent alone. What are biological, gender-based, cultural, religious, traditional and political reasons to put someone down is probably the most important question for us to solve for the sake of peace, for prosperity and finding a nonviolent world, as much as it possible to find.
 

 

Kuva | | Henna Timanttimetsä

A quiet person who is partly invisible partly an impenetrable a forbidden place (has to be shaken, has to be something wrong with that person, so strange almost scary), uninteresting likely to be forgotten, impossible to invade

| Henna Timanttimetsä

That person who exists for some reason but why? Why is she like that, nobody asked. She is clearly different: how to pull something out of that mouth? How to torment that mind so it starts to do and process something we understand and enjoy? That person who does not say anything, cannot, has not got anything interesting to say, say those who define what is interesting, who talk constantly themselves, about themselves. To find out and understand, what and what then? Decide whether to like or not, whether to let belong or not? Accepting is difficult, to think one’s head is not the only head there is, that we are not one consciousness, one right kind of form nor shape.

What is sick where illness does not show? What is wrong there where nothing is wrong? What is there where it is not accepted to be what I feel?

For many reasons. First I thought I have nothing inside of me. I felt terrible all the time. I tried to smile. It felt phony. I refused to believe I was nothing although the messages I have been given all my life were exactly that and I just didn’t understand why. It was no wonder I felt so awful and empty and eventually found out I had been depressed for a very long time. That was me some time ago.

Quiet is something puzzling to me for this reason, a very personal reason, an ongoing accusation which is against the quiet that I have felt is interesting because it is so belittling. Quiet is someone not participating, someone with a flaw or lack, something is wrong, something is missing when we are quiet, in all quiet, in silence like there is and was nothing there to say, but there is a demand to constant talk.
For various reasons quiet is interesting, for our need to hide away and step over, deny quiet existence as pathetic and ridiculous. How we build on noise, expect noise and sound to have all the meaning we need and have, noise that equals content and something is given into the world with sound, with words, with talk that never stops.

What does it mean when a girl is being difficult?

| Henna Timanttimetsä
It means quite a lot. It is the very social change embodied right there. Same goes with youth in general. There has to be a continuum of youth rebellion every time all the time.
What about when she is testing her limits, testing limits there are, testing nerves, ideas, conventions and habits, habits of thought? Limits that are there for obvious reasons, for sensible reasons, religious and traditional reasons, maybe reasons that are not valid anymore. Talk about matters of defining difficult behavior, difficult personality and what are the expectations for girls and women when we talk about personality and what girls can do. Where is the difficulty? To me it seems there is nothing but hardship and struggle what comes to gender gaps and fulfilling expectations. Easily females are as we know taught to fulfill expectations (we are brought up more or less to act up, behave, learn to live up to our civilization’s demands) as are boys, but in a different way and there are people who do not tolerate any kind of rebellion, anger, mind of one’s own for a girl to have. If life is a list of demands to be lived up, list that one has not made oneself, list that is not your own but is given to you without thinking there might be a different kind of dreams and lives to want. Difficult many times begins when expectations and manners are broken, when girl shows she has a mind of her own, life of her own to have and make. What is the difficulty in there, I’m not sure, I’m not getting it fully, but I put it on people who dislike and fear the unexpected, fear change, growing up, who are actually afraid of their children, afraid that children are not the same as parents. What is difficult? To understand your children are not yours? What is a difficult child too difficult to handle and why do we need to handle a child? To be afraid what children will become, that they will bring shame to the family is a common fear anywhere in the world. Why would you be ashamed of your child? Therefore discipline and scare are used to keep children from having strange ideas like becoming what they want themselves to be. A difficult child is something who is giving parents a hard time. We can ask who would not be a difficult child and why rebelling against parents is so terrifying that many won’t dare to follow their dreams or be open about what they are as people. Afraid that love and acceptance is taken away.
Question is why girls and boys are set different boundaries, given different goals, ideas of life? What is with bringing up kids? It is clear genders do get brought up in a different way, how could this cage where we are put in be opened up and people wouldn’t be afraid to test themselves and society more. What are we protecting when we focus on girls to be careful and obedient more than boys? How to be more tolerant of and open about the difficult in us?

Created equal! It should be grand.

| Henna Timanttimetsä

She is like that she does that, it is very human to be suspicious of her, at least now after all that history of man, of ours where woman is a merchandise. Accusation is she is like that.
She is like that she does that, with no end, a cowardice act an attempt to hide herself and let strangers to use her body, get paid for it. What do you mean ours? What is ours? What do you mean hide? What she is, there is no use in hiding, we know her what she is, what she is for , what she can do. When you sell your body you sell yourself, there is nowhere to hide.
She is like that she does that, doing the dirty work, walking the night, looking, looked at
She is like that she does that, to experience such hate, to live in fear
She is like that she does that, it may come as a shock what she had to do to survive

Where is honor?

| Henna Timanttimetsä
Is woman’s honor more fragile than man’s honor? How honored are we and where does our honor begin? Who gives us our honor? It can be taken away like an object due to something we have done or we can lack honor because of gender or sexual orientation. We can be threatened to lose honor and end up not having much or any left. Some of us care about it some don’t. It is a culturally made construction that holds us and can make us do things to each other, things that are less honorable, but are justified if honor is publicly disrespected. Honor is a complex idea of civilized humanity, behavior and status system, that is connected to god via society. Honor and its graveness is depended on what kind of life is valued, what gives value to gender, age, occupation, status, group approval, opinion. It is cohesion that is needed to keep an order dictated by someone for various reasons which don’t have to be sensible, dictated by those who know honor, have honor, do honorary deeds and have authority to say who does not have honor, who can be respected. People need their groups to keep on living. Are there groups for those without honor, groups for those who think they have honor but do not, for those who live a lie? I haven’t seen much honor lately even though people like to think they have honor, which is probably the same as dignity, people are all more or less honorable to themselves. I like to think people who violently defend their honor do not have any or who place honor of their’s in front of honor of someone else are without honor. Violence, death, shame and threat connect with having honor, something to die for, defending it as one’s face and possession where one stands. We are so easily fooled. There is no honor in killing. That there is honor in visiting someone’s grave but not getting to know a living person.
I have began to think what is it, because what I see as honorable truly is not visualizing itself in the world today. To me it seems like honor is a lookalike, an act that needs to be tended and kept up, so it is a face that can be lost, a mask. I also think it is more important for men than for women, more important for a family as a whole, because it still happens that people who do not meet the standards of family honor and proper are abandoned and shut out. This happens too often for LGBTQ-people, disabled, to anyone who is seen as a freak and shameful. Traditional sense of honor and respectability, way of life that needs to be maintained as it is, without it changing or being challenged is very much alive. Conventional views stick hard and are difficult to change for some reason. Even though conventions do not make any sense especially if they strangle people to death. Conventional is boring, outdated and doing more harm than good because most people probably are not that normal as they like to make other to believe. Conventional perceptions on what is shameful, what is right, how to live, what is good are tightly woven into concept of honor. It is honorable to make a living, support one’s family and oneself, live in a way that does not break the moral code and is not bizarre.
What kind of honor is in making gossip, abandoning one’s child, making war or killing one’s daughter for falling in love with a wrong boy or a girl, which is obviously more terrible option. Ill talk is interesting in this context because many who gossip and wonder other people’s choices in life condemn morale of those whom they speak of. Irony is strangely enough often not visible to those who lightly thrash those others, judging those others and their flaws.
Where is honor? Is honor with those who ban pornography or with those who turn their backs to people who are not liked? What is there to like? What is an honorary thing to do? I think many are not doing the honorary thing. Moral is lacking there where the moral code is strict. Where there are things to lose, where losing honor over braking conventions is horrible abomination, what there is to lose that we haven’t lost already?

porn drawings

| Henna Timanttimetsä

Thrills of being a woman

| Henna Timanttimetsä
I think that the fact I was born a girl was a provocation itself. I have felt my doings and all by being that is always first a female, not first a human or a person, but a woman and a body, is mere provocation and I have began to like it as that. That provocation is so easy and tormenting that it is joyous, because for me I am first a person, a human being. My gender I am not sure what it is for. That my body began to change into woman’s body was a shock also for me, because it meant I could not hide anymore and do boyish things and that I felt growing up was shameful because my body changed into woman’s body that is firstly sexual. To keep reminding me by staring and talking was like torture. I thought how bad am I if my sexuality is the only reason for my existing.

I provoke with my femininity for existing as I am, for looking the certain way, without me underlining my gender, without the need to seduce with my feminine qualities, possibilities of looking more feminine, assets to seduce are there, sure. Those parts of me are the thought of sex and means of sex. I am a sexual being as is a woman through and through. There comes a very puzzling and intriguing thing: desire and what do I want as that overly sexual being that I am. What does a woman want, what is she for, what is her purpose, what is her. There are disturbing stereotypes that repeat and cause alarm rightly so. Provocation starts there to have its effect. The one role for women that is to be for others is taken for granted and of course it is a good role. One can easily forget one’s own needs in being there for others.

Women who are vulnerable hold onto someone else, must seek refuge with someone and other women, because alone we are nothing. They forget themselves. That is the scare, to be nothing, to be left behind with nothing. We can be powerful with each other keeping womanhood as it is suffering, dirty, unholy, pleasing, not able to get away from being chained and under a looking eye that judges us, if that is what power is. There are punishments for those who do not fit roles of women and we need women to understand that to make democracy happen women need to stand out and speak up.

Dilemma of a genuine girl is how to stay genuine in a world that does not appreciate genuineness. Genuineness goes for antique vendible objects, designed special effects. To know one is genuine one needs a label, a brand and a signature. One’s ideals and one’s nature can be disregarded as not needed. It happens so easily.

| Henna Timanttimetsä

I should have solved my rage already but I haven’t. It has proven to be the unsolvable, useful and lasting as an enforcing part of my mind and I accept it as a mess. I have come to some terms with it in a way that I do not prevent it from showing itself as much as I used to. I know it is in the way and between me and the canned civilized world and that girls are taught not to show their rage, not to be bad as the negative, aggression self-evidently is. Anger and it’s mercilessness is much an unused and given too little respect. The directness thrills me, force of anger and all kinds of verbs to help the imagining plus profanities that are in anger. Doing and saying things that are not allowed like they didn’t exist. Saying aloud the descriptive, the amount of the feeling, a hidden secret and the mountain of inner strength one can have, what power that is. Pulling my hair myself one might think and liking it, making things difficult when they could be easy. It is like the line in a movie where girl called Liz says ”you should be running…” You know the movie? It is the girl who can light herself in flames. Of course she is in a mental institution for her and everybody else’s good.

If rage was an object that could be removed from inside of me and put on a shelf for me to feel everything could be done without it, that I would not feel enraged but so calm like everything was fine. Parts of me placed on shelves in my home. It is as the society that does not want me as I am but the little bits of me as long as they stay likable and only partly visible. In a way things and I stay unsolved to all and for some reason that is the good way.
And to do with it, to do away with it is to become better. It is an illness in a society that relies on people staying calm, denying the negative, cocooning rage, not showing how we in part feel. I cannot stay that way. Impossible.

The word may have lost something to my ear. It is not exactly the perfect interpretation of reality, not the precise term for the mass of my destructive self, the all of it and the massiveness it feels like. Not what I experience as me. Aggression is probably more close. We should be healed from it? We are scared of aggressive emotions. It is unpredictable how angry people behave and react.  What such feelings make us do can be only the inevitable. we are taught to learn to take other people’s fears into consideration, the panic which we want to avoid but constantly live in. In a world where mere screaming is too much to take is paranoid. It is strange to say to be enraged in a panicky world, waiting to explode.