To feel lost every day, even though sitting in the same place for breakfast thankful for the coffee. To sit still sipping having all the options and something that stays the same, the place filled with DVDs, papers on the floor, exercise mat and ball, weights, spray cans. Looking at all the bits in a different way and what can be done with them. The feeling of lost is that finding things is so demanding. Finding teip, finding watercolours, brushes, cutting the paper, finding the scissors, board to paint on, deciding to paint, making a visible mark and following that mark made just like that. Taking some consideration and then a lot of consideration. Pressure of good and valuable hanging on. Trying to get rid of that weight by making out of impulse without thinking.
Does this feeling evolve to something else, feeling of chaos and still at the same time? Making makes feelings change into some kind of happiness. What is that feeling other than satisfaction after the feeling you thought you didn’t have it in you, not now but after you felt bored and fatigued. A better feeling about yourself and what you do. The amount of options and lack of options are there to be made something of.
It is puzzling how much into guilt one grows, how much it is part of what and how you do. The balance of how much and when is enough. The straight away answer is never and nothing is enough.
How do we justify hate? How do we know hate, recognise it, talk about it and what do we do when we hate, more importantly, what does hate do to us? Culturally for example misogyny is structural and embedded in the culture tightly. We grow to know it but not necessarily understand it or be able to change it just like that, so it feels like a natural thing which is there for a reason. We are part of the hate machine which hides away this bad thing hate because good people do not hate. It is bad people who do hate crimes, talk foul and do misconduct. We learn to act and behave by the norms of the culture and we learn not to talk about the demanding shameful issues like hating. So how does the culture change if we are so bound by its laws? How do we change if we are afraid of what we feel, we are incapable of recognising our emotions, talk about them and are afraid to look in the mirror?
To make gossip happen in large-scale you have to be despised and hated by many.
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js We learn to control our feelings to a certain extent in a certain way. Hold them back give them forward in suitable doses and packages so that there are boundaries which we do not dare to cross unless we must. Culturally bound ways of how women and men are expected show their emotions and how they are to act upon feelings keep us repeating patterns of behaviour and ways to exist in a society, succeed or fail. We can be hugely restricted, restricting, unable, neurotic and afraid. Feelings can make one go crazy and lost. Anybody who objects and questions the normal by way of living and doing is odd, an outsider, behaving out of ordinary by disturbing the status quo of coded balance, safety and order of things which have been done and should be done in a certain way.
It can be good to disturb and it can be bad, it can be bad to have strict rules and it can be good. Who gets to decide what behaviour is justified and when things go out of hand? Where to go when feelings are making one a wild out of control freak? Is it a place of hiding or going to a doctor? We all use judgement over ourselves and over other people. We think we know and we think we know better, we think we can hurt because we are better. It is a very efficient way to control behaviour by collective judgment and punishment, shame and losing something vital if.
Negative emotions and who are allowed to show them and act upon them are an important path to collective consciousness. What do those feelings make us do, how do feelings make us and tell of us? Who is the target of our hate and why we hate someone we don’t even know? Why feminism and feminists are constantly targeted and female emancipation seen a threat to male dominance? Men must dominate because they always have? Intellectually they do not, so I don’t understand the need to master people whom cannot be put to that old know place anymore. Why is it important for one group to dominate all others and hinder progress because that is what is still happening. Men’s rights activist further only rights of men, usually rights of white men. Feminists further human rights. The most demanding task for men is to let women decide for their lives and for their bodies. Proof of weakness is the thought that women are possessions that need to be guarded and kept unchanged.
Majakollektiivi Timanttimetsä 